Ed,
It is time for us to say goodbye. Relationships require two participants, and because I now refuse to participate, it can no longer function.
It has been a while since we have communicated, and I feel so many mixed feelings as I write to you. Emotions of all hues rush from my veins to my heart as I look back on our time together. I know very, very clearly that I do not want anything to do with you anymore, even though goodbyes can be hard.
Whether you knew it or not, you were killing me Ed, emotionally and physically.
Emotionally:
-You are selfish. You want me to be friends with you and you only, not letting me have a relationship with my friends or my family. I have missed out on so many memories, experiences, and connections because I have been preoccupied with you physically or mentally.
-In truth, you didn’t block out my sadness or my hurt. Maybe in the short term, but it was not sustainable. The numbing of emotion could only last for so long, and then the tears, heartbreak, anger, fear, helplessness, and loneliness would creep in and fill me, as it was only a matter of time. The emotions you actually blocked out were love, happiness, and hope.
-I was so emotionally hardened with you in my life. I thought that I couldn’t even think of the possibility of being of being a mother, determined that I did not like animals, and couldn’t truly love people. Without you I have realized that I might want to be a mother someday, that I love animals, and that I have so much love for people it is overwhelming in the most beautiful way. I can feel and can be vulnerable and it is so beautiful.
-The guilt overwhelmed me and the numbers filled my mind, making me unable to think about anything but you.
-You were so mean to me, causing me to be mean to myself too. I did not value self care or positive self talk when I was with you. It was like walking around with my mind infested with bullies.
Physically:
-My body, a force that is so resilient and strong, was beginning to fail under your influence. My chest was aching with sharp pains, my potassium was high, I was dizzy/lightheaded, I felt an exhaustion that could not be slept off, I passed out, my blood pressure was low, systems were slowly turning off to protect the functions vital to my life, my bones became weak, my hair became brittle and thin, my period left, and death threatened.
You served a function for a time, but Ed, I don’t need you anymore. I tried to use you to feel safe, in control, and to fill a deep void. I can now fulfill those needs in healthy ways. I use positive self talk, journal, practice self care, meditate, and reach out to friends now. I have real control of my life and have clear perspective without you in it. I do not want you anymore.
Ed, it is time for me to live. Life has been waiting for me, and I am running to embrace it with open arms. Friendships, college, a career, a relationship with my brothers, discovering my passions, traveling, and hope await me. I cannot live you with you holding any place in my life.
It is hard to say goodbye, but it is crucial for my happiness and health. I know it will be hard sometimes, but I am determined not to reach out or rely on you anymore. I have people I can lean on and coping skills that work. I have recovery as my alley now.
Goodbye Ed. Our time together is over forever and always.
Jenna
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