Top 35 Reasons Attacking Syria Will Bum You Out

Jon Stewart said Vladimir Putin should have placed his Syria op-ed on BuzzFeed. Here’s what that would look like.

1. Hi guys, I want to talk to you about Syria.

Maxim Shemetov / Reuters

2. As nations, we’ve gone through good times and bad times.

3. The best times were in 1945, when we defeated the Nazis together.

4. After WWII, the U.N. was created — I love the U.N. I have so much power there.

5. So, Syria.

Stringer / Reuters

6. No one wants you guys to strike Syria — not even the pope.

War never again! Never again war!

— Pope Francis (@Pontifex)

Pope Francis


War never again! Never again war!

/ Via

7. A strike would unleash violence around the region.

Hussein Malla / AP

8. No one in Syria really wants democracy.

Stringer / Reuters

9. There is literally no one in Syria except al-Qaeda.

Umit Bektas / Reuters

10. It’s a horrible war that you guys made. Stop sending the rebels weapons.

11. (I don’t want to talk about how I’m sending weapons to Assad, so move on.)

Sana Sana / Reuters

12. Militants are streaming into the country — even Russian ones.

Stringer / Reuters

13. I have always wanted to find peace through compromise.

14. Please don’t mention the fact that we constantly blocked previous attempts to deal with the issue in the U.N. Just don’t.

Alexander Zemlianichenko, pool / AP

15. This isn’t about protecting Assad. It’s about upholding international law.

16. We love law.

Dmitry Lovetsky / AP

17. Force is only acceptable if used in self-defense or if approved by the U.N. Security Council.

Alexander Zemlianichenko, pool / AP

18. That time we intervened in the conflict between Georgia and South Ossetia in 2008? Also don’t mention that.

Chris Hondros / Getty Images

19. Look, everyone knows there was a poison gas attack.

SANA, File / AP

20. But it was the rebels! They wanted to provoke you guys into action.

21. Now they’re getting ready to attack Israel!

Sergei Karpukhin / Reuters

22. Please STOP mentioning all the reasons people — including, reportedly, the U.N. — think Assad carried it out. Just stop.

Mikhail Voskresenskiy / Reuters

23. America, stop intervening in conflicts abroad.

24. Force will get you nowhere.

25. (Except in Chechnya.)

26. A strike on Syria would kill civilians, you guys.

Pascal Le Segretain / Getty Images

People mourn at the casket of Elizabeth Starkov, 16, during a her funeral and the funeral of her father on Oct. 30, 2002, in Moscow, Russia. Both were killed during the release of a reportedly opium-based gas by Russian special forces to break a siege of a Moscow theater by Chechen terrorists. More than 115 of the over 750 people held in the theater people have died as a result of the gas.

27. All your threats? They’re only encouraging countries to get WMD.

28. We must stop using the language of force.

Sergei Karpukhin / Reuters

29. Luckily, we came up with an idea!

Alexander Zemlianichenko, pool / AP

30. Even though we think it was the rebels who carried out that chemical attack, we’re going to help put Assad’s chemical weapons under international control!

Alexander Zemlianichenko, pool / AP

31. Obama is cool with this idea.

Gary Cameron / Reuters

32. Obama and I like each other. I swear.

Kevin Lamarque / Reuters

33. But that speech he gave the other night was…ridiculous.

RIA Novosti, Alexei Druzhinin, POOL, File / AP

34. American exceptionalism?

35. Time for Russian exceptionalism!

*Parody account. Inspired by:

36. Here’s the whole clip:

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