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Revisiting The Ten Commandments Of Breaking Up

We always have the choice to make it a little less sore, but discretion has never been my style. In fact the break ups have been more extravagant than all my short lived relationships put together. Last year, on this day we officially sat down to end it like adults and to move on with dignity & sophistication. Alas, if only I had the slightest idea it would take another full year, gallons of tears and endless emails before I am even close to moving on, and mind you those emails were anything but sophisticated. Well, that’s that. Since this awful day marks one year of my misery, attention must be paid. I decided, to revisit the unimpeachable rules of breaking up. Something we must never forget.

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1. Staying friends with the ex? There is no such thing

Not only did I put myself through the total agony. But I also befriended his ex-boyfriend, his ex-boyfriend’s current boyfriend and possibly one of his prospective boyfriends too. What could go wrong?

2. Swearing helps

Break ups are ugly. And adulting is hard. You simply don’t air kiss the guy who almost ruined your life. You scream at him.

3. Your heart will be broken and maybe some of your expensive china too

Not going to lie, it is enormously gratifying to smash those expensive chinaware on the floor. I only wished it was his china.

4. A Xanax might save the rest of your chinaware

Now, this is adulting. Honestly, I always knew I would need a Xanax at some point in my life. A boyfriend? Not so much.

5. Those extra calories are inescapable, don't resist it

I emptied several crates of beer and tins of ice cream while binge watching 13 reasons why, it is called survival.

6. Put that despicable smart phone away

Your smart phone is a traitor. It will remind you of things that you didn’t even know existed.

7. For heaven’s sake do not get a cat simply because you are lonely AF

I got two. And as much as I adore watching cat videos. I am one hundred percent sure my cats resent me just about as much as my ex-boyfriend did.

8. Obliviate

Have some faith in Harry. This memory charm is a blessing for the lovelorn.

9. Eat Pray Love are the words to live by

Elizabeth Gilberth practically saved me all the money I would have otherwise spent on a shrink. I will be forever indebted. And even though I don’t have the funds to travel the world, a trip to Babylon is in order.

10. Don’t give up on love, just yet!

Sulk, you have the right to be upset. But don’t give up on love, just not yet.

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