How Goth Are You?

Here’s a handy quiz to help you measure just how deep your inner pain really is.

  1. 1. What is your go-to hairstyle?
    1. Blow-dried sidesweep Your hair’s naturally curly, right? How long does this take you in the morning??
    2. Matted bedhead This look is achieved by grinding your head into a pillow in agony, then adding hairspray.
    3. Hairspray sunburst Your face constantly looks like it’s exploding out of your own hair.
    1. Brown and boring because your stupid parents won’t let you dye it “Mom, can I at least do a STREAK?”
    2. Shaved on one side, long on the other Show a little skull.
    3. Sharp razor bob Severe, just like you.
  2. 2. What is your biggest pet peeve?
    1. Parents visibly steer their children away from you on the sidewalk. They don’t get that you just LOOK scary! These fangs pop right out, see? Oh, wait, now the kid is sobbing.
    2. No one can pronounce the goth pseudonym you chose to hide the fact that your real name is Susan. Why couldn’t your parents have named you “Prystess Eliphyre Vampyrina” instead of something so totally weird?
    3. You can’t decide whether to use a free afternoon writing poetry, making music, or painting. There are just TOO many ways to express the turmoil of your inner soul sometimes, you know?
    1. Mall cops won’t let you loiter in the food court unless you’re eating something. But you already spent all your money on leather spike collars!
    2. How could you pick when EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD IS SO PAINFUL? Your pet peeve is the ongoing struggle of being alive.
    3. Too many people want to date you. It’s, like, so annoying! The above website will never, ever grace the screen of your laptop, as you’re already rolling in potential paramours.
  3. 3. What is your favorite goth band?
    1. Bauhaus “BELA LUGOSI’S DEAD”
    2. Sisters of Mercy “I HEAR EMPIRE DOWN”
    1. The Cure “BOYS DON’T CRY”
    3. Evanescence “WAKE ME UP INSIIIDE”
  4. 4. What is your favorite animal?
    1. Ravens You like that they’re symbols of death.
    2. Black cats They represent evil forces at work, just like you.
    3. Venomous snakes Not only your favorite animal, but also your favorite accessory. Who says “boa” has to mean one or the other?
    1. Rats They remind people of the filth of existence, which you see everywhere you go.
    2. Your family dog Dogs are totally goth, right? R-right?
    3. Vampire bats You’d totally transform into one if you could.
  5. 5. What gothic article of clothing or accessory would you never leave the house/coven without?
    1. Cape You’re not *actually* a vampire, but that can be our little secret.
    2. Slipknot shirt Hot Topic’s finest.
    3. Ankh necklace The Egyptian symbol of eternal life, which is perfect for an undead being like yourself.
    1. Black lipstick Every word that comes out of your mouth has to pass through ~darkness~ first.
    2. Parasol and fan Satan FORBID the sun ever touch your perfectly sallow skin.
    3. “Edgy” temporary tattoos “You’re SURE these wash off in the shower, right?”
  6. 6. What is your most embarrassing moment?
    1. You tried to dance in seven-inch platform boots at the local industrial club and promptly ate shit. You didn’t realize that anything more ambitious than shifting daintily from side to side would result in disaster. And, also, that DANCING ISN’T GOTH.
    2. You thought that Marilyn Manson was an Old Hollywood movie star. Everyone else at the seance was like, “WHO INVITED THIS LOSER?”
    3. You burst into tears in an inappropriate place during an existential crisis and everyone laughed and was like, “Again?” Wait, this still happens to you at least once a day because life is UNFORGIVINGLY CRUEL AND FULL OF TORMENT.
    1. You were supposed to go see a midnight screening of Rocky Horror with your friends, but got grounded for not doing your homework. At least now all your cool goth pals won’t know you’re a V FOR VIRGIN.
    2. You tried to do a charcoal portrait of a vampire, but everyone in your art class mistook it for the guy from Fall Out Boy. You haven’t even listened to them since middle school! UGH.
    3. During a discussion of your favorite literature, you accidentally said you loved Ayn Rand when you meant Anne Rice. You’ve never actually read either, so it was bound to happen at some point.
  7. 7. What is your favorite movie?
    1. Nightmare Before Christmas Aw, look at the cute little skeleton!
    2. The Crow You model your everyday look on his badass leather trench coat/white makeup aesthetic.
    3. Nosferatu To you, all other vampires are total poseurs.
    1. The Craft They’re JUST LIKE you, except you can’t get the Ouija to spell anything but “GKLBH.”
    2. The Birds The birds represent the world’s bloodthirsty forces trying to oppress your inner spirit.
    3. Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein You identify closely with a misunderstood monster forged from an oh-so-twisted world.

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