Kanye West And Kim Kardashian Discuss Her Potential Name Change, And Other Imagined Celebrity Connections
Each week, we look at the biggest celebrity news—and amuse ourselves by imagining how those celebrities might have reacted. Join us as we text with Billy Ray and Miley, brainstorm memoir titles with Lindsay and Dina, and binge on Gushers with Ryan…
Emily Ratajkowski, the brunette model from the “Blurred Lines” music video, is cast in Gone Girl as Ben Affleck’s mistress.
Katherine Webb, Zesty Salad Dressing Guy and the woman from that Jimmy Kimmel prank twerking video sit around a campfire, each nursing a beer.
“Let’s raise our drinks in honor of Emily,” Katherine says. “She has moved on from the campfire, and we should be nothing but proud.”
“Will we ever see her again?” Zesty Salad Dressing Guy asks.
“Probably not,” Katherine says, knowingly. “And that’s okay. If we were in her shoes, we wouldn’t come back to visit either.”
Gwyneth Paltrow says her birthday plans involve indulging in some Chick-fil-A.
“Yeah, I just love a good Chick-fil-A, it’s so easy to make…” Gwyneth explains to her housekeeper. “You just take an organic chicken egg that’s been bathed in sunlight for 96 hours, crack it open, and then set the insides underneath a mint toothpaste-squirrel skin emulsion… Simple, healthy and fun!”
Kim Kardashian fires her publicist, reportedly in an attempt to “distance herself from her family.”
“What if you just went by Kim West?” Kanye asks while brushing his teeth.
“Kanye. Kim West sounds like a mid-level sales associate who lives in Florida.”
“What about Kanye’s Girl?”
“Like, that would be my name? Is that a joke?!”
Kanye looks away as he rinses his toothbrush. “Ha ha. Yes, a joke. Of course.”
Lily Collins is named the “Most Dangerous Celebrity” by McAfee, as 14.5 percent of searches for the actress lead to malware or spam.
Emma Roberts takes another celery stick out of the carton. “Well, good for her…”
Emma’s friend looks up, quizzically. Emma continues, “I mean, this is obviously the only time in her life she’s going to be on the top of a list.”
Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth officially split after four years of on-and-off dating.
Billy Ray Cyrus texts Miley: “I have a great idea: U and Bieber should date.”
Miley writes back: “omg dad, WTF, *major eye roll*” followed by eleven of the angry red-faced emoji.
“No, seriously, Miles! You don’t wear pants, he doesn’t wear shirts—it’s a match made in disquieting exhibitionism heaven. AND goes w/o saying u could share hair tips”
Dina Lohan is writing a memoir.
“What do you think of Livin’ La Vida Lohan? As a title?”
Lindsay yawns. “Maybe something playing off of ‘D.U.I.’? Dina Under the Influence?”
Dina screams and throws her cell phone charger through the window.
“LINDSAY, YOU KNOW I GOT A D.W.I., NOT A D.U.I.!!!! IT INFURIATES ME THAT YOU KEEP SAYING ‘D.U.I.’!”
“Mom, D.W.I. is the exact same thing. It’s, like, a synonym. Driving While Intoxicated. Neither is good!”
Dina takes a long swig of her glass of white wine.
“What do you think of #DinaLohanProblems? Like, with the hashtag in there.”
Ryan Lochte’s reality show, What Would Ryan Lochte Do?, is cancelled after its first season.
“Ryan, so sorry to hear the bad news about your reality show, that sucks,” his trainer says.
Ryan empties a bag of Gushers in his mouth. He looks up at his trainer and his face scrunches up. “Haha, I wish I had a reality show.”
“Uh, Ryan, you were followed around by cameras for a year, remember? Your show aired on E! It was… a real thing.”
“Stop pushing my leg, punk!” Ryan starts jumping up and down. “Last one to touch their ear with their tongue has to drink an entire bottle of vinegar!! Ready, set, go!”
Jessica Biel goes on a two-day juice cleanse, which she documents on Instagram.
Jessica Biel calls up Jessica Alba in a sweaty panic. “Alba, I’m worried I’ve become a Parody of Jessica Biel.”
“Honey, I feel you. I just started breaking out into yoga poses while holding two bundles of kale as I made my way down Melrose. We have to get it together.”