So 2016 is finally over. We can all agree it was a big trashcan and now we are reasonably certain 2016 S isn’t happening let’s take a collective sigh of relief and move on with our lives. BYE FELICIA. Now you guys, I don’t want to excite you too much. BUT. I’ve made some predictions for what 2017 will bring and I’m 95% confident that all of my predictions are accurate AF. Check them out.....
1.Donald Trump announces on twitter his whole campaign to become president was an elaborate episode of the show Pranked. Still tweets every day about how his enemies who fought him lost so badly. Moves to Russia and is often seen out with Vladimir Putin proudly displaying their best friend bracelets.
2.Kanye replaces Trump as president. Aliens visit earth and request to meet the leader of the free world. Leave confused as to why this Kanye human keeps talking about Beyonce having the best video of all time but he is hurt because their children have never played together. Aliens think humans are beyond help and never return again.
3.Speaking of Kanye- Kim and Kanye announce their divorce. Plot twist- Taylor and Kanye get married and become the ultimate power couple. She knew he was the one when she heard the lyrics “I still think Taylor and me might have sex. Why? Because I made that bitch famous”. Relationship goals amirite?!
4.Casu Marzu, which is a combination of cheese with a horde of live maggots launches as the next superfood. Kardashian's endorse it. People lose excessive amounts of weight from maggots eating away at their insides. Kardashians refuse to take the proceeds of their endorsements as they are “rich enough”.
5.Speaking of Kardashians. Blac Chyna and Rob Kardashian finally get married. Blac Chyna’s vows include “Till Death To Us Part Or Until You Text Other BITCHES!”. Isn’t televised. Both realise they hate fame, they would prefer to be poor and anonymous and are never heard from again.
6.2017 takes every single elderly famous person except Betty White. The guy who started the Gofundme page to protect her from 2016 gets knighted. Is now known as Sir Betty-White-Protector. Betty White lives on for another seventy years.
7.An app is finally invented that films you in exotic places, wearing designer clothes, hanging with your girl Rihanna and being your imaginative best self. No longer need to leave home to lie about how great our lives are on social media. #blessed.
8.Meanwhile, back home. Pauline Hanson marries an Aboriginal Man. Is confused that she didn’t become Aboriginal. Also, traces her ancestry and realises she comes from immigrants that are Muslim. Ban's herself from Australia.
9.The whole generation of millennials stops eating smashed avocado. In fact, because of this, avocados become outlawed and are now only available on the black market. Every single millennial becomes a rich property investor. Now own all the houses in Australia.
10.Australia finally allows gay marriage. Every single person turns gay and is totally extra. The whole of Sydney becomes a year long Mardi Gras and the only crimes that occur are crimes against fashion. Is found to be the happiest place on earth.
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