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74 Thoughts I Had Watching The New Mummy Movie

Yesterday I was treated by my family to a double creature feature. We all packed up and went to see the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie and the new Mummy movie. It was fun, it never gets old watching Tom Cruise get thrown around like a rag doll. Here are some of the thoughts I had while watching, so SPOILERS!

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1.

Wasn't expecting to see Templars in this movie. Is this going to be like Indiana Jones? Are we going to get a cameo from Sean Connery?

2.

Pretty red stone. I'm sensing something mystical is afoot here.

3.

That looks like they're making a subway? I have so many questions about how those are made, mostly just about how they don't collapse. It's a giant tube that they just carve into the ground, how do they not die?

4.

I think I would be calling some kind of historic society if I drilled a hole into a tomb. I wouldn't waste any time wandering around breathing in the musty ass dead person air.

5.

Hi Russell Crowe! Why is your shadow so easy to recognize? I wonder if he's going to sing, we could get a little Jean Valjean action here. Who would win in a fight between Russell Crowe and Sean Connery?

6.

Ooh, story time. We need more stories about warrior princesses. This girl is a ruthless badass. I kind of get where she's coming from too. You go from having everything and then because you live in a male dominated society it's all taken away. I'm not advocating murder, but still, I can empathize!

7.

This is kind of feeling like the Brendan Fraser Mummy with the whole being mummified alive thing. I wonder if it's like actual mummification where they pull out your brain and organs, or if they just wrap you up and stick you in a sarcophagus.

8.

Hey! It's Nick from New Girl! Hi Nick!

9.

Oops, sorry, not Nick. He goes by Sgt. Vail now. He looks good all scruffy. Does he have a first name?

10.

Cruise is an ass. Why you gotta go and waste water? That's your friend! Now he has to either die of dehydration or go and get shot. I wouldn't want to Cruise's friend here. "Where's your sense of adventure?" He's already in the army! He's adventurous enough!

11.

Let's go loot a remote village for priceless artifacts!

12.

There are a lot more soldiers than you were counting on aren't there Cruise? Kind of odd that his character is named Nick, but Nick is Nick. So really, it's two Nicks?

13.

Starting to think that they didn't give Sgt. Vail a first name.

14.

Kind of creepy seeing a drone strike. I get that it was sort of necessary but it was so easy to order! Like Amazon Prime drone strike.

15.

That's a big ass hole.

16.

Seriously, Vail, get better friends!

17.

I digging this Jenny girl. She slaps Cruise AND calls him on his bullshit. I think more people should do that.

18.

British accents make everything sound smart.

19.

Looking for shit to loot, but I don't think you're going to be able to take those statues with you. They're a bit too big to fit in your pocket.

20.

Mercury! Called it!

21.

I would not want to be there with all that mercury and those fumes. How have they not died?

22.

You should not be there. There's some freaky mumbo jumbo going on, get out!

23.

Oooh, ancient jewelry. Don't mind the bodies the pieces are still attached to!

24.

Seriously! Leave the sarcophagus in the mercury!

25.

Goddamn it Cruise!

26.

Everyone: Nick no! Nick: Nick yes!

27.

"Stop shooting! They're just camel spiders!" Have you seen camel spiders Nick?! They're huuuuuuge! And mean! They bit Vail!

28.

Uh oh, magical flashback. That's not good. Someone's going to get sacrifiiiiiiced!

29.

Let's take the sarcophagus on the plane, solid plan.

30.

Vail is not looking good, how has no one noticed how sick he looks?!

31.

Vail, GET BETTER FRIENDS!

32.

Aaaaand now he's a zombie. Stabby zombie.

33.

I would not want to be friends with this Nick. Get out while you still can Jenny.

34.

Mayday! Mayday! Birds crashing into a plane!

35.

Is this what it's like to tumble in a dryer? This plane is like the vomit comet.

36.

Aww, Nick gave her the last parachute. He's not so bad, there's nothing like sacrificing yourself to make you look better.

37.

Tom Cruise has a weird yell.

38.

It would be so scary to wake up in a plastic body bag. Cruise looks pretty good, especially considering he's in his 50s. Someone works out.

39.

That coroner must be pretty embarrassed. I can't imagine he would have kept his job after one of his corpses came back to life. How would he explain that to his family? "Hi honey, I'm sorry but we're going to have to move. One of my bodies came back to life, and long story short, I've been fired for negligence."

40.

Hurray! Vail is sort of alive! Well, not really. His eye is all jacked up.

41.

Jenny is totally working with Russell Crowe. They're archaeologist buddies. I wanna be archaeologist buddies with Russell Crowe.

42.

Ahmanet mummy lady is looking a little rough. Nothing some good old fashioned life essence won't cure though. It's weird that she has to kiss the guys to take their life juice, Imhotep could just sort of dehydrate his victims.

43.

Raaaaaats! So many raaaats!

44.

Dehydrated zombies!

45.

Jenny is trying to get him help, but Nick wants to go to see the shriveled up mummy prune. Not sure who has the better idea here.

46.

It's a trap!

47.

Why would you hide a ceremonial dagger in an angel? Especially a dagger that's used to bring ancient gods of death into the world. That seems like it would be worthy of a larger and more demonic statue in a more impressive church, maybe somewhere in Rome.

48.

Run Jenny!

49.

Jenny: "She's in your head" Nick: "She's not in my head!" "Oh shit, she's in my head" a summary of the entire movie.

50.

Commandos, uh oh.

51.

Nick is actively looking for help, is it really necessary to knock him out? He's relieved to see you and there you go knocking him out, way to just get rid of all trust he might have had in you.

52.

They got Ahmanet! Kind of sad about that to be honest.

53.

So now we're in some kind of institute? It kind of looks like how I imagine the back rooms of the Smithsonian look. I bet there's all kind of stuff in the back of the Smithsonian that they're not showing us, magical stuff.

54.

Dr. Jekyll as in Mr. Hyde? It's almost as if Russell Crowe has experience with uncontrollable rage.

55.

For someone who is supposed to be a doctor and a lawyer, you'd think he'd be a little more on time with his injections.

56.

Awww, they have Ahmanet all chained up, she looks so upset. I would be too if they were pumping me full of super cold mercury. I would be down right livid. You can just see the rage in her four eyes. I wonder if people make fun of her for her eyes. She kind of has spider eyes. I guess that would explain the camel spiders that killed poor Vail.

57.

Even more magical flashbacks! She's trying to seduce him with her mind. Note to self, brains are sexy.

58.

Jenny to the rescue!

59.

So Nick is cursed and Jekyll wants to kill him, which I guess would kind of end the curse. Jenny wants him alive and now she's fighting a mean commando. This seems like the perfect opportunity for Mr. Hyde to show his weirdly purple face. Mummy reference!

60.

Eeeeeeeeeeew! Spider in the ear! Spider in the ear! My skin is crawling now. Excuse me while I burn all of my clothes.

61.

Now Ahmanet is free, she has the dagger and the stone together! Mystic sacrificial mischief!

62.

Vail's back! His eye is still gross though. I feel bad for him.

63.

I know she's destroying all the glass in London to create sand, but as far as destruction goes Ahmanet is pretty considerate. Nothing has been blown up and no buildings have fallen down. All villains should be this considerate. I bet it's because she's a woman, she's taking other people's lives into consideration.

64.

It doesn't seem smart to go towards the lady who wants to turn you into a death god. If Nick was smart though, he wouldn't have raised her out of the mercury in the first place.

65.

Into the subway tunnel! Is the train still running? YES IT IS!

66.

English water zombies!

67.

The got Jenny!

68.

Ahmanet is a much better swimmer than Nick. This is the slowest chase seen I think I've ever seen.

69.

JENNY!

70.

You would think that with all the beatings Nick gets that he'd be paralyzed by now, seriously, he just got thrown into a giant stone coffin.

71.

This whole curse thing seems like a really good metaphor for sexual consent.

72.

Sure, turn yourself into a death god, that's one way to bring Jenny back!

73.

Four eyed Tom Cruise!

74.

So we've traded Ahmanet in for monster Cruise with questionable morals. At least he brought Jenny and Vail back though. I sense a sequel.

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