My Thoughts From A Day Of Living With Borderline Personality Disorder

I hate having an “invisible” illness. I hate being sick. I hate feeling mentally unhealthy all the time. I hate when my emotions feel out of control. I hate myself. I hate working. I hate thinking. I hate living. I hate feeling bad about myself. I hate thinking bad about myself. I hate being fat. I hate feeling fat. I hate feeling tired all the time. I hate aching all over all the time. I hate not waking up rested. I hate waking up 3+ times over the night. I hate that it’s so easy for me to sleep during the day. I hate feeling all alone. I hate people. I hate being alone. I hate when my dog poops in the house even though I just took her out. I hate when my cats get into my cabinets and break my fine china. I hate feeling like a failure all the time. I hate myself. I hate feeling like I can’t catch my breath. I hate that it’s impossible for me to run. I hate my body. I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate the holidays. I hate when my family judges me. I hate when my family pities me. I hate feeling like my family pities me. I hate feeling like the black sheep. I hate feeling invisible. I hate being noticed by everyone but the one person I want to notice me. I hate that my Dad never really hears me. I hate that my stepmom takes up all my Dad’s time. I hate that she felt jealous of me. I hate that she can’t see that I needed more from my parents. I hate that she convinced my dad to distance himself. I hate that she distanced herself from her family and now they are all awkward around me. I hate feeling like everyone is awkward around me. I hate when people are awkward around me when they know about my illness. I hate when people don’t know about my illness and don’t believe me when I say I’m breaking down under pressure. I hate feeling incapable. I hate relying on people. I hate taking medicine. I hate needing help. I hate feeling helpless. I hate feeling worthless all the time. I hate feeling unloved. I hate feeling unlovable. I hate when people lie to me about not wanting to see or hang out with me. I hate crying about it. I hate feeling sad. I hate other drivers. I hate when people don’t use their blinker, so if you accidentally tap them it’s all your fault. I hate feeling like a failure. I hate myself. I hate that I suck at driving. I hate that I suck at working. I hate that I make mistakes. I hate that I cut myself to try to feel better. I hate that it makes me feel worse. I hate that I think eating cake will make me feel better. I hate gaining more weight. I hate that my body hurts. I hate that it’s getting harder for me to walk. I hate that it’s getting harder for me to stand for long periods of time. I hate feeling like I’m drowning in my fat. I hate feeling hungry all the time. I hate that my clothes don’t fit. I hate that the clothes that do fit are getting holes in them from being worn out. I hate doing laundry. I hate showering. I hate shaving. I hate having hair on my body. I hate brushing my hair. I hate brushing my teeth, and the one section of my gums in the back that bleed. I hate wearing my retainer. I hate needing to bleach my teeth. I hate bleaching my teeth. I hate taking care of myself. I hate feeling like there’s no point to it. I hate feeling like I should be dead soon. I hate feeling like I’m dying. I hate feeling like I’m drowning. I hate feeling like I’m suffocating. I hate my feelings. I hate my body. I hate my mind. I hate myself. I hate that my Mom hates herself. I hate that she doesn’t want to live. I hate that she’s sick. I hate that she won’t get help. I hate that I wasn’t enough for her to get better. I hate that she’s hurting so many people. I hate that I hate her. I hate that she never taught me proper eating habits. I hate how she never hears me. I hate having parents that weren’t enough. I hate trying to find what I need elsewhere. I hate other people. I hate having to give the same spiel over and over. I hate trying to get better and it not work. I hate having a mental illness. I hate having Borderline Personality Disorder. I hate having Depression. I hate having Anxiety. I hate having PTSD. I hate my feelings. I hate myself. I hate feeling like dying. I hate thinking about dying. I hate having to call for help. I hate needing help. I hate feeling helpless. I hate feeling useless. Pointless. Worthless. Lifeless. I hate being me.

My cat using my hamper as his bed... because he's adorable.

Chloe Kennedy

My dog watching a movie with me! <3

Chloe Kennedy