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How To Travel Southeast Asia

A must-have guide

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Finishing university is actually the worst thing that can happen to a person. When I finished I was technically homeless for a while. I lived on people's sofas because I was desperately clinging onto that lifestyle - that life void of responsibility and adult decision making where the government gives you money to just do what you want for a few years all under the guise of 'studying'. Brilliant.

Anyway I stuck around in my uni town mostly sleeping on my best friend's sofa, drinking Frosty Jack's 'cider' and calling in to work morbidly hungover the morning after to tell them that I'd hurt my leg AGAIN at rugby so couldn't come in.

But one day I realised I had to do something else, so I decided travel would be that thing, and I opted for the not at all cliché South East Asia route.

So here are the (obligatory) rules of travelling South East Asia correctly:

1 – You need some sort of vest with a local beer on it that reveals much more skin than is ever appropriate. This way when you're home and wearing it in weather that is clearly too cold for a vest, people will know you went to Thailand once without you having to yell it down the street at them.

2 – Wear a snap-back. Day in, day out. Never don't be wearing one.

3 – Get a bamboo tattoo. 'Oh you've been travelling around Asia? What did you get tattooed?' - 'I've got thailandbantzz in Thai on my bicep. Fucking classic!'

4 – Go to lots of culturally significant, historic points of interest but don't really know why. Just be there to make your instagram look more cultured.

5 – Buy some of those baggy trousers with elephants on them because you're kinda bohemian and laid back now.

6 – If you're a girl then invest in at least five tie-dye dresses and get a braid in your hair. Because you are now boho-chic.

7 – Partake in a pub-crawl. One where the ticket is a vest you buy with 'something pub-crawl' on it. On a serious note though, actually do do that, they're bloody great.

8 – Go to the Full Moon party. And anyone who tells you that it's just the same as any other night but with more people in it is…well, correct actually. Apart from the possibility that you might have to pay if you're unlucky/stupid. There is increased availability of MDMA though (or 'mandy' if you're a cool drug person) so swings and roundabouts and all that. Here's a picture of me being a prick at the full moon party:

9 – Post a few paragraphs on Facebook when you're home about how it's been a life changing experience, how the West just gets things wrong, how it's altered the way you perceive the world, politics, relationships and your general attitude to life even though all you did was get wasted on some islands for a few months and crash a moped.

I actually did a lot of those things and it was fucking brilliant. So don't get a job after uni, go to Asia and be a white cliché for six months, it's much better. I'm home now and life now consists of daytime naps and sending people snapchats of my cat being a moody shite.

Oh wait, number 10 – attempt (and fail) to grow a decent beard.

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