"I tied my boyfriend up with ropes from his magic set. I tied them too tight, so he lost circulation in his body and started shivering. I frantically tried to untie him as quickly as possible, and he just went pale and curled in a ball on the bed for like 20 minutes. It was NOT magical."
"One time my girlfriend and I had sex in my car in a parking lot at night. When we finished, we both stepped out to smoke a cigarette. I closed the door, locking my keys and cell phone inside. She was only wearing her undies and a T-shirt, and I had to leave her there while I ran to a nearby payphone and called my dad collect."
"My first time trying lingerie, I couldn't figure out how to hook the garter belt to the stockings and came out of the bathroom 20 minutes later sweaty, frustrated, and almost in tears, with a dangly garter belt around my hips."
"One year for Valentine's Day, I wrote my then-boyfriend, now-husband, a dirty acrostic using his name via text. (Acrostics are those 'poems' where you use the letters of a word to write the lines.) I proudly typed the whole freaking thing out and sent it and immediately realized I sent it to my dad. I sent about a thousand messages of 'OMG DON'T READ THAT DON'T READ THAT,' but we never spoke again and now I'm dead."
"The first time I slept with my ex-girlfriend, I tried to lift her up and popped my left shoulder out. I screamed a bit because it was agony, and then I popped it back in and cracked on."
"I was doing The Sex, and my girlfriend said my roommate's name..."
"Me: *engaging in sexy time with lady*
Lady: *tosses clothes on the floor*
My cat: *walks in and IMMEDIATELY pukes on lady's pile of clothes*"
"I was at a Halloween party where the host was a longtime crush. Throughout the party, we started making out. Hooray! Unfortunately, his costume was Captain Planet in full body paint, so I very quickly became covered in said paint. And to everyone else at the party, well, it was ~very obvious~ that I was gonna be the guest of honour."
"When my boyfriend and I first started dating, he would try to get into ~sexy~ positions during sex. Once he lost his balance and fell onto my knee and ended up spraining it. I cried for like 20 minutes and then made him leave."
"While I was having sex with my boyfriend, my bra came off and landed on his chest in the perfect position that made it look like he was wearing it, and in turn, he shimmied for an extended period of time. It was endearing until it wasn’t.”
"I was dating a guy my sophomore year of college; he was a senior. We were having a romantic candlelit date at a nice café when he leaned in and whispered seductively, 'I want to see your boobies.' Nope."
"I was dating a girl in college who was more experienced than I was. I suggested she play a little rougher when we were having sex once. She proceeded to rake open my back with her fingernails. There was blood on the sheets. I shrieked, convulsed, fell out of bed, and broke a finger trying to catch myself. I had to take my walk of shame to the student health centre. And after that, we still had two classes together that semester. My finger is still off-centre."
"I once decided to slowly seduce my boyfriend by sending him pictures of myself dressed in sexy lingerie while he was at work. I started by sending a picture of my shoulders, then a thigh, etc. — just snippets of the whole attire. Anyway, he was probably going insane, but as I was propping a mirror to send another pic, it fell on me and cut my leg. So the next he knows he's receiving a frantic call to come home. I ended up at the hospital getting stitches in my once-sexy lingerie."