Learning To Ride A Bicycle As Told By Indiana Jones

Because it’s the mileage, honey, not the years.

1. It’s true: learning to ride a bike — at any age — can be deeply traumatizing.

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2. Between that whole balance/speed/gravity thing…

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3. …and the crazy motorists on the streets today…

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4. …it’s a wonder we even try.

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5. And then there are friends and family. They might mean well…

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6. …but their hopes are crushing, their expectations impossible to escape.

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7. And so you humor them.

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8. But so nervous are you that their advice goes in one ear…

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9. …and out the other.

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10. Mind racing faster miles an hour, you try to fight off the doubts with false bravado. “Whoa, hold up everyone.”

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11. “I got this,” you say.

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12. And so the training wheels come off…

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13. …and you step forward to meet the challenge because it’s yours and yours alone to master.

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14. With an air of confidence, you adjust the saddle and swing your leg over the top tube.

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15. You get a push from a friend, sibling, or parent, and pedal furiously…

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16. …but ten feet out, you realize you’re in trouble…

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17. …and calamity strikes!

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18. The onlookers are SHOCKED…

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19. …mortified even.

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20. Other people pretend like they didn’t even see it…

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21. …as you pick yourself up, knee scraped and ego bruised.

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22. Confidence ebbing, you’d rather be dead right now…

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23. …but after a chat with Dad…

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24. …and some loving reassurances…

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25. …you’re ready to give the bicycle another spin.

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26. You ride further on your second attempt…

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27. …but lose your balance…

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28. …and crash. Again.

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29. Begetting yet even more calamity.

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30. And shock.

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31. And mortification.

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32. The sitch seems dire…

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33. …but in misfortunate you’ve seen the light.

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34. And after another bit of encouragement…

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35. …you know what you need to do. No more excuses or delays…

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36. …because the moment of truth is here and it’s time to carpe diem that ish.

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37. Finding your stride, you pedal forward…

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38. …and this time, the third time, it sticks! You’re upright, perfectly balanced, and transferring weight from side-to-side like a freaking boss. A sense of relief creeps over you…

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39. …because you’ve confronted your failures.

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40. The older kids aren’t impressed but…

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41. …but you got the last laugh…

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42. …and nothing can bring you down.

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43. Not even sharp, pointy objects that might puncture your tires.

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44. You still might crash on occasion…

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45. …but it’s not like you don’t have what matters most: heart.

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46. The haters can go suck it…

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47. …because you’re a regular badass now, popping wheelies wherever you damn please.

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48. And wheelies, my friends, confer status.

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49. So relax a bit. Pat yourself on the back for a job well done…

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50. …and unwind with a cold beverage.

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51. Hats off to you — you’re now a seasoned bike rider! Tour de France here we come…

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52. …because once you’ve learned to ride a bike, you’ll never need to do it again.

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