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Learning To Ride A Bicycle As Told By Indiana Jones

Because it's the mileage, honey, not the years.

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It's true: learning to ride a bike — at any age — can be deeply traumatizing.

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Between that whole balance/speed/gravity thing...

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...and the crazy motorists on the streets today...

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...it's a wonder we even try.

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And then there are friends and family. They might mean well...

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...but their hopes are crushing, their expectations impossible to escape.

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And so you humor them.

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But so nervous are you that their advice goes in one ear...

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...and out the other.

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Mind racing faster miles an hour, you try to fight off the doubts with false bravado. "Whoa, hold up everyone."

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"I got this," you say.

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And so the training wheels come off...

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...and you step forward to meet the challenge because it's yours and yours alone to master.

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With an air of confidence, you adjust the saddle and swing your leg over the top tube.

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You get a push from a friend, sibling, or parent, and pedal furiously...

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...but ten feet out, you realize you're in trouble...

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...and calamity strikes!

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The onlookers are SHOCKED...

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...mortified even.

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Other people pretend like they didn't even see it...

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...as you pick yourself up, knee scraped and ego bruised.

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Confidence ebbing, you'd rather be dead right now...

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...but after a chat with Dad...

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...and some loving reassurances...

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...you're ready to give the bicycle another spin.

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You ride further on your second attempt...

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...but lose your balance...

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...and crash. Again.

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Begetting yet even more calamity.

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And shock.

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And mortification.

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The sitch seems dire...

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...but in misfortunate you've seen the light.

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And after another bit of encouragement...

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...you know what you need to do. No more excuses or delays...

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...because the moment of truth is here and it's time to carpe diem that ish.

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Finding your stride, you pedal forward...

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...and this time, the third time, it sticks! You're upright, perfectly balanced, and transferring weight from side-to-side like a freaking boss. A sense of relief creeps over you...

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...because you've confronted your failures.

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The older kids aren't impressed but...

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...but you got the last laugh...

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...and nothing can bring you down.

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Not even sharp, pointy objects that might puncture your tires.

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You still might crash on occasion...

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...but it's not like you don't have what matters most: heart.

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The haters can go suck it...

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...because you're a regular badass now, popping wheelies wherever you damn please.

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And wheelies, my friends, confer status.

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So relax a bit. Pat yourself on the back for a job well done...

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...and unwind with a cold beverage.

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Hats off to you -- you're now a seasoned bike rider! Tour de France here we come...

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...because once you've learned to ride a bike, you'll never need to do it again.

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