Top Ten Things To Tell Your Kids When They Discover You Ate All Their Candy
Ahhh, now you’ve done it. You had a sweet tooth attack and dove into the kids' candy stash. Now they’re looking for it and you need to come up with a lie, fast. Next time you get caught with your hand in the KitKat jar, try one of these for size:
10. That was Halloween Candy. It expired after Christmas. I had to get rid of it so you wouldn't get chocolate poisoning.
9. I didn't eat it. Your brother/sister/father/babysitter/grandmother/the dog/the UPS guy/Mrs. Butterworth/The Tooth Fairy/Aliens/Bill O'Reilly ate it.
8. NO, that is not chocolate on my mouth. It's the new brown lipstick that is very in this year. I swear I just saw Kim Kardashian wearing it.
7. Dr. Oz says people over 40 should have chocolate every day because it is rich in antioxidants. You're under 40. You're good.
6. This kid in a DeLorean appeared suddenly in the middle of our kitchen, took the candy, shoved it into something he called a Flux Capacitor, and disappeared again.
5. Scientists discovered the existence of a Black Hole right here in our pantry. It's pretty exciting news but sadly, your candy got sucked into it and is now on the other side of the universe.
4. I got an email from a Prince in Nigeria who said if I sent him $2,500 and all our candy, he would share his fortune with me. It sounded like a good deal.
3. I'm sorry. I was so upset when I heard that Justin Bieber was in trouble with the law again that I ate the candy and cried while I listened to "Baby, Baby, Baby" for three hours.
2. There was never any candy. It was all just a dream.
1. Alex Rodriguez admitted that he ate all your chocolate. He said he didn't know it was candy.
©2015, Beckerman. All rights reserved. Tracy is a syndicated columnist and author of "Lost in Suburbia: A Memoir. How I Got Pregnant, Lost Myself, and Got My Cool Back in the New Jersey Suburbs."