It’s Freezing And You’re A Weak Human

Tired of crying about the weather only to have your tears freeze on your frostbitten cheek? Here are 9 tricks to take you from weather wimp to winter warrior.

1. Buy A Texting Muff

Just because it’s cold outside doesn’t mean your newsfeed should go cold, amirite?

2. Save Money On Manicures

FACT: Nails grow slower in cold weather. Save that money to invest in a ticket to someplace warm!

3. Take An Awkward Family Photo

Because nothing beats the cold like the warmth of your child’s cheeks, burning with public humiliation and shame.

Keep your family’s body temp up by subjecting them to the treasured tradition of dressing the entire clan in the same clothes and documenting the practice.

Oh, and extra warmth points if you’ve dressed them in knitted beard-hats!

4. Invest In A Home Butt Warmer (actual butt warmer NOT pictured!)

Listen, don’t sit on the stove. This is a cat, you are a human and you should know better.

That said, there are real and FDA approved butt warmers available for purchase. Try here to get one of your own.

5. Better yet? Invest in a Mobile Butt Warmer

Let’s be honest, you are way too popular to stay inside all winter alone near your home butt warmer. You need mobility!

For less than $30 you can walk around and never worry about “freezing your buns off” again.

6. Drink In The Scent of The Future

Lithium powered remote-controlled heated socks = the sweaty smell of progress!

7. Make Your USB Your New BFF

Friends do nice things for each other. Sure, your computer isn’t a living thing, but it keeps your toesies warm and has been given a five-star rating by 13 other reviewers. How many stars did your last best friend get?

8. Pretend Snowflakes Are Actually Ninja Throwing Stars

Most snowflakes are six-sided. Sometimes the six sides are flat, and sometimes six decorative spokes radiate from the centre.

But, let’s get real, they are ALL dangerous silent killer weapons raining hellfire down on you from the sky.

Keep your body temp up by tactfully avoiding these small, deadly assassins.

9. And finally, just embrace being a stone cold fox.

Winter won’t last forever, so you might as well get as much enjoyment out of it as you can (butt-warmers and all)!

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