Thanks to therapy — and plenty of time spent monitoring my negative thinking — I've learned some small but significant ways to shift my language and improve my mental health.
Here are some of the most effective changes I've made:
1. Say "I get to" instead of "I have to."
Something that's changed my perspective on my daily to-do list is telling myself that I "get" to do this stuff, which allows me to view any tasks or events as opportunities, not obstacles. I've made this a habit over time and noticed that it's boosted my feelings of gratitude — toward everything from calling my parents to meeting friends for drinks. For example, thinking "I have to meet them for drinks" reinforces the feeling that socializing is a chore, while "I get to meet them for drinks" is a nice reminder that I'm lucky to have friends in my life who want to catch up.
2. Remove "should" from your vocabulary.
This is a hard one to paint over after years of using it, but avoiding the word "should" has worked wonders for my mental health. Whenever a "should" creeps up in my mind, such as, "I should feel better about that by now," I stop myself. The inevitable ending to that thought is "but I don't," which doesn't change a thing and actually makes me feel worse. Instead, I rephrase it as a question — "Why don't I feel better about that?" — and meditate on my experience, which is a much more productive and healthier way to resolve the issue.
3. Ask "what if it works out?" instead of "what if it doesn't?"
It's natural to worry about the worst-case scenario when you're thinking about the future or heading into a new experience, but I've learned to stop that negative thinking in its tracks by wondering about the best-case scenario instead, which is just 👏 as 👏 possible 👏. I ask myself, "What if it works out?" or "What if I nail this?" It takes effort, but giving my brain the chance to ruminate on a successful outcome is refreshing and empowering. Let your imagination run wild with the positive possibilities for a change.
4. Swap "but" with "and."
This is one of my favorite tips from a therapist I used to see: It was one of my first sessions with her, and I had just moved in with my boyfriend, which (spoiler!) is a big life change for anyone. I said something to her along the lines of, "I'm so glad I moved in with him, but I really miss having my own space, so, like, what gives? I thought this is what I wanted." She asked me, "Why does it have to be a 'but'?" My desire for more alone time, she explained, didn't negate my decision to move in with him. Replacing "but" with "and" ("I'm so glad I moved in with him, and I miss having my own space") allowed me to make room for both emotions. Instead of driving myself nuts like, "WHICH IS IT? WHAT DO I DO?" I was able to shift my focus from conflict to resolution: finding ways we could still be independent in our shared apartment.
5. Don't call something a "problem" — call it a "challenge."
Those words might not seem that different, but when I think of something as a "problem," it feels burdensome, like something difficult I'd rather just avoid. (A new week that's filled to the brim with meetings, anyone?) When I reframe it as a "challenge," however, it feels as if I'm being called to use my skills to overcome or defeat it, like in a video game. The word "challenge" puts me in a mindset where I believe I have the power to determine the outcome. I feel more motivated to crush the week ahead.
6. Don't just say "I hope" — make a strategy.
I'm not saying you shouldn't be hopeful. Hope is as necessary as breathing. BUT, when I'm feeling anxious about something, instead of leaving that feeling open-ended by saying, for example, "I hope I don't mess this presentation up," I rephrase it in a more productive way, such as, "I won't mess this presentation up if I memorize my five well-researched points." Focusing on what I can control about the situation is more calming for me than sending a vague hope out into the universe. I still cross my fingers that I do well, but I give my anxiety the bit of concrete action it needs to settle down.
7. And secretly wish for someone to be happy.
This one's cheesy, I'll admit, but trust me, it's effective. Whether I'm at work, on the street, in line for bagels, or wherever, I privately wish for someone there to be happy. Compassion is considered the happiest mental state, so it makes sense that when you wish for another person to have a great day or to be successful at work, it instantly shifts your mood. Rather than let agitated thoughts brew in my brain ("IF THIS DUDE WALKS ANY SLOWER I WILL CALL THE POLICE"), I free myself from the rage cycle and secretly send someone around me positive vibes ("I hope this slow walker sees a corgi puppy today"). This strategy will always offer you a moment of joy.
BTW, here are some helpful posts about therapy:
• Here's How to Know if You Could Benefit From Therapy
• A Beginner's Guide to Starting Therapy
• 17 Things Therapists Want You to Know Before Your First Session
• 26 Tips That Will Make Finding a Therapist Less Miserable
• 9 Practical Tips From My Therapist That I Actually Use Every Day
If you need to talk to someone immediately, you can reach the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and or the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741. Suicide helplines outside the US can be found here.
