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A Gentleman's Guide To Using A Public Restroom

Sir? Sir.

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Ever since I used the bathroom at a Philadelphia Phillies game when I was 8 years old, and had to pee into an actual trough with other men like we were a drove of pigs, I've had a deep distaste for public restrooms.

Unfortunately, they're a necessity I can't always avoid, including at my office, where I have seen some SHIT (literally and figuratively).

1. Take the proper stance.

The correct way to use a urinal is to have one hand (or two! go wild!) on your dick to aim and the other hand hanging at your side. There are so many stances I've witnessed and all of them are madness. For example, please don't have your hands on your hips while your dick gently flaps in the breeze. You are not Superman. Please don't have one hand up against the wall as if you are using brute strength to force the urine out of your bladder. And, for the love of all things holy, please don't have your hands on the back of your head as if you are receiving a blow job from the urinal.


2. Don't talk to me at the urinals.

Call me prudish (don't though, how dare you), but I really don't want to exchange niceties while there is urine flowing out of my body. It's one thing to continue a conversation you were having with a friend while you walk up to the urinals together, but if a stranger stands next to me and asks me how I'm doing while we both empty our bladders into porcelain pee catchers, I will scream for the authorities. We may be in a public space, but this is still 👏 a 👏 private 👏 activity. 👏 No one enjoys making small talk in general, let alone while they have their dick outside their pants.

3. Pretend you heard and smelled nothing.

Some days, I'll be sitting in a stall, minding my own business, when suddenly the person in the stall next to me begins conducting a full-blown fart orchestra and releasing smells so toxic my eyebrows are barely left intact. But while I may look like the eyes emoji in private, do I glance at that person strangely or make a comment when we inevitably convene at the sinks? No. No, I do not. Even if you won't be able to look at them the same way ever again after what you just experienced, especially if it's a coworker or your boss, you act like nothing ever happened, knowing that this good deed will come back to you tenfold when you're in that unfortunate position at a later date.

4. Make sure the toilet is flushed and clean.

I just...I just make sure your handiwork is flushed before you exit the stall. Also, the toilet seat should not look like it somehow grew a bush. CLEAR IT OF ANY AND ALL PUBES, PLEASE.


5. Don't pee and scroll.

The only thing you should have in your hand at a urinal is — drum roll — your penis. The amount of times I've seen people walk up to a urinal, whip their dick out, and then scroll through their phone while they urinate is truly remarkable. Look, I'm on my phone A Lot, but I at least grant myself a moment of screen-free peace whilst I relieve myself. Nothing (I repeat: nothing) is going to happen on your phone during those 15 seconds of peeing that you can't miss. Also!!! Pee droplets are mostly likely flying onto your already STAPH-INFECTED PHONE SCREEN. It's just not worth it, m'dudes.

6. If there are other urinals open, don't stand next to me.

You know how creeped out you feel when the whole movie theater is basically empty but someone chooses to sit directly beside you, and you're like 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀 the entire movie? I don't want to feel that way while my dick is out in a public restroom!!! If possible, there should be at least one urinal separating us at all times. If you stand right next to me while other urinals are open, I have to assume you're here to sneak a peek at my junk, and that's just not going to fly. (Get it? Fly? Like the fly of your pants? OK, but really, get away from me.)


7. Don't talk on the phone in the stall.

Speaking of phones, I get that I'll never convince you to stop scrolling while you're sitting on the toilet, but at the very least (like, BOTTOM of the barrel here) stop making and taking calls in the stall. Do you think the person on the other end of your call seriously can't hear all of the farts and plops in the background??? THE FARTS AND PLOPS!!! If you get a call as urgent as nature's while you're in the stall, that's just too bad, my friend. I know for a fact (I don't even need to rally a focus group for this) that the other person would rather you call them back then have to endure the #FartsAndPlops. Repeat after me: While In The Stall, Don't Take That Call.

8. Don't clip your nails in the stall???

I honestly can't even believe I have to say this, but save your nail-care for when you are safely back inside your house (or, like, the barn you apparently reside in??). I walked into the office bathroom the other day and as I stepped up to one of the urinals, I heard the unmistakeable "snip...snip...snip" of a nail clipper coming from one of the stalls. "WHAT ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH?" I thought to myself as I stood there, not scrolling through my phone. That is downright nasty, y'all. You can't control where those dirty-ass nail shards are flying and I am positive some of them landed on the seat and poked some random person's butt when they sat down, ruining what should have been a sacred moment in their day.

9. Don't moan while you pee!!!

There are no sounds allowed while you urinate. There just aren't! I don't care how good it feels — you are scaring the other humans. Sorry, I don't make the rules. (JK, this post is fully me making the rules.)

10. And wash your effing meat hooks.

The amount of people I have witnessed pee at a urinal and then saunter out of the restroom like they didn't just put their hands all over their dick, a flush handle, their phone (!!!), the wall, their underwear, the back of their head, and a doorknob is actual nightmare fuel. Yes, even if you only used the urinal, you still have to wash your filthy meat hooks. And if you seriously don't wash your hands after dropping off some timber in a stall... *whips out crucifix, throws holy water*... THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU. THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU.