16 Stories From 9-1-1 Operators That'll Make You Question Humanity
"I got a call from a drunk teen crying because she's never lived in Bikini Bottom."
1. The electric vagina.
"I worked the midnight shift, so we got the oddest calls. One night, a lady called 9-1-1 because she electrocuted herself. She was masturbating with her electric toothbrush and somehow shocked herself down there."
2. The cemetery.
"I had a guy call in and tell me his mother was dead in the backyard. He was very calm, but disconnected right after he said that. Luckily it was a landline, so we had the address. Cut to EMS, fire, and police running lights and sirens. Turns out, his mom was dead in the backyard...because his backyard was a cemetery and she'd been buried out there for years."
—Jordan Battle, Facebook
3. The Spongebob wannabe.
"A couple of years ago, I got a 9-1-1 call from a drunk teen crying because she's never lived in Bikini Bottom."
4. The locked car.
"I worked for three years as a 9-1-1 operator, so I have many stories. My favorite is a lady who called and told me her car battery died and she was trapped in her car. I calmly told her to just flip the locks manually. She was confused and I tried to explain it a different way. There was a long pause followed by, 'Oh.' Saved a life that day."
5. The stolen drugs.
"I answered the phone to a man complaining that his girlfriend had just stolen his money and his heroin. I said we'd let the deputies know. About two minutes later, he calls back and gets the other dispatcher, who says, 'Sir, are you trying report to the police that she stole your drugs?' To which he responded, 'Well, yes!'"
6. The walnut.
"I had a guy call in complaining that his neighbor's walnut tree was leaning over his side of the fence, and a walnut hit him in the head after he walked underneath it."
7. The Lord of the Ring.
"I was working the radio for highway patrol when a dispatcher got a call from a man who said he was on the interstate at a major junction, stuck his hand out the window, and his wedding band fell off onto the roadway. He wanted the police to shut down a major highway intersection to find this ring.
The dispatcher typed up the remarks from the caller (not what he really said) as: 'It was the One Ring, the One to rule them all, and it was Precious to him.'
We didn't shut down the highway."
8. The false alarms.
"I had one guy call and say there were two people dead underneath a stairwell and couldn't get to them to do CPR. The medics show up and find zero dead people. The guy calls back later reporting a rollover his friend was in, then states the friend ran off. Of course, no rollover, no friend, just this guy sending us on a wild goose chase."
9. The finger pain.
"I had a person call for an ambulance at 2:30 a.m. because her fingernails hurt."
10. The sewer cell.
"A man called 9-1-1 for a friend who needed the police. Why? He dropped his own cell phone down the storm drain. Once informed that the police do not respond to calls like that, he asked if he should contact the fire department instead."
11. The killer moth.
"I get some of the weirdest calls during my shift (12-4 a.m.). Once, this man, who was definitely drunk, called in to report a wild animal in his house. We later discovered that he was high as balls and thought he saw a moth."
12. The broken pooper.
"Operator: What is your emergency?
Caller: My pooper is broken.
Operator: Excuse me?
Caller: It doesn't work.
Operator: What do you mean?
Caller: I can't poop."
13. The f###ing elevator.
"I am a supervisor at an alarm center where we receive alarm calls and emergency calls.
Dispatcher: Hello, this is the operator, do you need help?
Woman: Hello? Anyone there?
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am, are you stuck in the elevator?
Woman: Excuse me! Did you just ask if I was in the f###ing elevator? That's uncalled for and rude. I'm stuck in an elevator and you're cursing at me.
Dispatcher: Ma'am, I did not curse at you. I asked if you were stuck inside the elevator.
Woman: No, this time you said stuck, but the first time you asked if I was in the f###ing elevator.
Dispatcher: I assure you that I said stuck. Do you want me to send for help?
Woman: I'm not going to argue with you. Send for help and when I get out of here I'm calling your superior because you cursed at me."
14. The birds.
"A couple months ago, I took a call from a woman who wanted to report that there were crows roosting outside in the trees, and that they were terrifying. She requested that we come to her house and escort her to her car to protect her from them."
15. The roommate regret.
"I think the best one for me this year was the guy who called in because he let his drug dealer move in with him. Of course they got into a disagreement, so he wanted the police to come and remove him."
16. The deep dive.
"Me: 9-1-1, what's your emergency?
Caller: My girlfriend is having really bad stomach pain.
Me: Okay, do you know what happened?
Caller: I think I went too deep!"
Submissions have been edited for length/clarity.