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37 Things Donald Trump Is Probably Doing Today

Donald's just not used to second place. How is he coping post-Iowa?

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1. Tipping a bottle of cheap bourbon all the way up to try to get the last few drops out, while slumped on the couch in his underwear watching The Bachelorette re-runs and occasionally muttering sarcastic comments.

2. Trying and failing to construct a new cigarette from the ends of four previous cigarettes he fished out of his trashcan.

3. Calling up the girl he liked in third grade, but then just hanging up every time she answers.

4. Unfollowing Ted Cruz on Twitter.

5. Eating mayonnaise out of the jar.

6. Giving scraps of Ted Cruz's clothing to the three Bengal tigers who accompany him everywhere so that they can pick up his scent.

7. Responding to Yahoo Answers questions about investing.

8. Browsing the "stuff on cats" subreddit for 3 hours.

9. Wondering if you're allowed to put wine glasses in the dishwasher or if that's likely to break them.

10. Just scratching his balls like a loser.

11. Giving a surprisingly humble and conciliatory speech congratulating Ted Cruz on his Iowa victory, like a total fucking loser.

12. Suddenly seeing the common humanity between himself and Mexicans.

13. Prank-calling Ben Carson and then laughing sadly to himself while muttering "jerk".

14. Adopting a rescue puppy who only has one eye.

15. Trimming his own nose hair instead of paying someone $500 an hour to do it for him.

16. Regretting some of the things he said during his campaign, particularly the bit about how he could shoot someone and not lose votes, and writing about his shame and embarrassment in a journal with a heart-shaped lock and key that he stole from an 8-year-old girl, and also regretting that he stole a journal from an 8-year-old girl that one time.

17. Standing on a hill at night, looking at the stars, with the wind in his tufts.

18. Tenderly turning a gold American flag pin over and over in his hands – the one he wanted to wear on Inauguration Day – and placing it back in an old mahogany box. "I can't wear you," he whispers to it. "Not until I'm a winner again. Not until next week in New Hampshire."

19. Trying to dislodge a wad of phlegm from deep in his throat, but coughing so hard that he ends up throwing up in the sink instead, and then has to pick out bits of food from the drain because he just ate a Big Mac.

20. Updating the Lizard Lord on his disappointing showing in the caucus.

21. Having a good old-fashioned cry-wank.

22. Catching up on the Kanye/Amber Rose/Wiz Khalifa feud.

23. Cuddling a big pile of money and whispering, "You still love me, don't you?"

24. Trying and failing to engage a bored 7-Eleven cashier in conversation as he buys a pack of smokes on the outskirts of Des Moines.

25. Watching a DVD of Apprentice highlights that he burned himself, titled "My Most Brutal Firings of Total Losers", and wondering why it doesn't make him feel as good as it used to.

26. Lurking in the parking lot of an Iowa Walmart waiting for shoppers to return to their cars, then suddenly stepping out in front of them and asking, "Did you vote for me? Did you?" as his eyes well up with tears.

27. Retreating to his secret fortress inside a volcano to complete work on Weapon X.

28. Inviting Marco Rubio to join his professional network on LinkedIn.

29. Writing "Donald" on a $100 bill, then spending it on some chips, just to see if it ever comes back to him.

30. Taking 300 selfies in his hotel bathroom mirror, and then deleting them all in case someone borrows his phone and thinks he's vain.

31. Thinking back fondly on some of his favourite deals.

32. Entering the Clone Termination Chamber, determined to end his service as Trump 47 bravely and with dignity despite his failure, while Trump Prime supervises the removal of Trump 48 from its nutrient tank in preparation for the birthing rituals.

33. Writing his own name on the first page of the special notebook he carries around marked "Losers", then scribbling it out again, then writing it again, then scribbling it out, over and over until the first page is all torn and ink-splodged and ruined and he just looks at it for five minutes, his breath coming in short, choking bursts.

34. Releasing one of his pet eagles back into the wilderness, telling it as it disappears over the horizon, "I don't deserve you. Still deserve these other three eagles though."

35. Looking at the polls from New Hampshire, smiling to himself and muttering things like "sweet, sweet vengeance" and "soon".

36. Maybe having some aides killed.

37. Tanning.