1.Any European-sounding stuff will have to be renamed.
2.And continental food will be phased out in favour of British replacements.
3.You won't be allowed to drink wine with a meal any more. Instead you will only be allowed to drink warm, sturdy ales.
4.Free from EU regulations, all bananas will come in bunches of at least 35.
5.All words will have the letters E and U removed from them.
6.By law everybody will have to call bar staff "stout yeoman of the bar" and say things like "five of your English pounds" when paying for a drink.
7.We’ll no longer be reliant on oil from Russia – all cars will run on warm, sturdy ale.
8.Things that will be banned for being too European will include: hugging, coffee, existentialism, the one-touch passing game in football, fancy foreign sausages, and experts.
9.All physical exercise will be replaced with dancing around a maypole. Nothing else. Just thousands and thousands of maypole dances in every field in every county, at all times of year and in all weathers, an entire nation endlessly twirling, twirling towards a bright and glorious future when the harvest will not fail.
10.Most hospitals will return to their roots, and replace the complicated foreign muck in IVs with a warm, sturdy ale.
11.Freed from the shackles of EU health and safety legislation, we'll be able to make playgrounds out of whatever we like! Broken glass slides, 7-foot-deep paddling pools, and climbing frames made of rotten wood are all absolutely fine.
12.Toddlers will finally be allowed to play with fireworks again, like in the good old days.
13.All vehicle windows will be replaced by union jacks, for patriotism.
14.And at last we'll be able to hold those Wicker Man ceremonies we've been denied all these years.
15.Naturally, to make it harder for Europeans to come into Britain, the Channel Tunnel will be turned into the assault course from Total Wipeout.
16.And the English Channel will no longer be made of water; instead it will be filled with warm, sturdy ale.
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