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Jul 4, 2014

How To Have Sex According To Stock Photographs

All these pictures were found by searching for the word "sex" on stock photography sites. This is definitely how sex works. (Sort of NSFW-ish.)

So, you want to have sex, but aren't sure how to go about it? Here are some handy tips from the world of stock photography.

AndreyPopov/Thinkstock

Recognise the signs. You can tell when a man is sexually interested because a gear stick will emerge from his trousers.

sb-borg/Thinkstock

A woman, meanwhile, will signal her sexual availability by extruding a large number of billiard balls from within her body.

Artfoliophoto/Thinkstock

Most modern computers now come equipped with a "sex" key.

jurgenfr/Thinkstock
mustafabilgesatkin/Thinkstock
dmitroza/Thinkstock

The sex key will summon a sexual handyman.

JackF/Thinkstock

Alternatively, simply write the word "sex" on your smartphone and insert it in your underwear.

MaxRiesgo/Thinkstock

This will cause many bikini-clad women to surf towards you on synthesisers.

uruXOX/Thinkstock

Now it's time to have sex!

seb_ra/Thinkstock

First, remove your Santa Claus outfit.

MagMos/Thinkstock

Take off ALL your clothes.

alby85/Thinkstock

Make sure you have a photographic record of your genitals beforehand so you can check for differences later.

lisafx/Thinkstock

Also remember to point and laugh at your partner's groin.

innovatedcaptures/Thinkstock

Take some time for a quick presentation to make sure everybody is on the same page.

GeorgeRudy/Thinkstock

You now take it in turns to sit on the edge of the bed looking thoughtful while your partner goes blurry behind you.

Stockbyte/Thinkstock
AndreyPopov/Thinkstock

REMEMBER TO CHECK THE BED FOR GHOSTS BEFORE YOU HAVE SEX.

Wavebreakmedia Ltd/Thinkstock

Otherwise you might get a nasty invisible surprise!

Being kissed by an invisible sex ghost is too spooky.

CURAphotography/Thinkstock

It's important to practise safe sex! Before beginning doing sex, take one of the drying condoms off your washing line.

serezniy/Thinkstock

Place the condom over your giant banana insult finger.

settaphan/Thinkstock

Good sexual health can also be maintained by holding a syringe full of pills next to a fruit arrangement.

OnTheWind/Thinkstock

If in doubt, place your partner in a mosquito net and wear a mask.

alby85/Thinkstock

Women: give your partner a sexy surprise by bursting naked and blindfolded through the walls of your fragile paper house.

shepkov/Thinkstock

Perform an interpretive dance for your partner.

JackF/Thinkstock

Foreplay is important. This is how you begin sex.

RazoomGames/Thinkstock

Sexy food play can increase the erotic excitement.

Madhourse/Thinkstock

Now you can have sex. Sex involves sticking your feet out of the end of the duvet. Like this!

Ximagination/Thinkstock

While having a conversation in a tent you've made out of the sheets.

GeorgeRudy/Thinkstock

This is really good!

Lighthaunter/Thinkstock

This is brilliant sex!

JackF/Thinkstock

Remember to take a break during sex to share a joke with the photographer!

JackF/Thinkstock

This is poor.

anyaberkut/Thinkstock

This is doing sex wrong.

Simon Bremner/Thinkstock

NO NOT LIKE THIS.

gmast3r/Thinkstock

THIS IS THE BEST SEX YOU CAN POSSIBLY HAVE.

Lighthaunter/Thinkstock

Congratulations, you have had sex! Take some time to bask in your achievement.

GeorgeDolgikh/Thinkstock