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27 Tweets That Will Make Parents Laugh Harder Than They Should

Being a parent's great though really totally recommend it to anyone no I'm fine.

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My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today "what poison would kill someone the fastest?" and now I'm wondering if I've underestimated her.

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Running away after dropping the kids at grandma's house like

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3.

In case you're thinking about having a kid, my daughter just threw a tantrum because I wouldn't let her watch me poop.

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I'm constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.

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Parenting means sometimes you ask your child what they're eating and they pull an entire multi-strand beaded necklace out of their mouth.

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get your kids vaccinated, weird this is now a position in a debate? I'm also against setting kids on fire or poisoning the town water supply

7.

The new mom at my work is so cute, she's still enthusiastic and doesn't have a drinking problem yet.

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8.

My wife is away, so I have to get both my kids ready for school by myself. For lunch, I packed them both an iTunes gift card

9.

VOICEMAIL: I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can't try again until next year

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Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

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When you're a parent, sometimes you get to take mini-vacations. These are also known as trips to the bathroom without your child knowing.

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13.

Me: I've been a mum for nine years! Nine whole years! 9yo: Can I open my - Me: Ssh, this is Mummy's big day

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I'm at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old holding a permanent marker without the lid.

15.

I don't wanna say my 4yo is unfocused but this am instead of brushing his teeth he took off his underpants & slingshot them into the toilet.

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My biggest parenting conundrum: why it is so hard to put someone who is already sleepy to sleep

17.

I let my 3-year-old make her own dinner. She put candy corn on top cold pizza The apprentice has become the master.

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18.

[At dinner] Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat? Me: Probably like 90% D: So it's 10% balls? Me: *spits out food*

19.

My 3yo "accidentally" unspooled the entire roll of toilet paper. But don't worry, he "fixed" it.

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"Momma there's something wrong with this iPad." -2yo playing with etch-a-sketch.

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23.

I case y'all need a break from the grim news cycle, my 3yo has informed me she changed her name to Poem Ice Cream Leopard Baby.

24.

4-year-old: Why do I have to get dressed today? Me: You have to get dressed every day. She's still on the floor. I ruined her entire life

25.

If you were wondering, when your 4 year old asks you if she can cut her hair, there's a 100% chance it's because she already did.

26.

There is a half-eaten piece of toast on the back seat of my car because I have kids.

27.

*looks up from phone* "Kids!! we're leaving the playground in 22 percent."

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