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    Posted on Aug 27, 2016

    27 Tweets That Will Make Parents Laugh Harder Than They Should

    Being a parent's great though really totally recommend it to anyone no I'm fine.


    My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today "what poison would kill someone the fastest?" and now I'm wondering if I've underestimated her.


    Running away after dropping the kids at grandma's house like


    In case you're thinking about having a kid, my daughter just threw a tantrum because I wouldn't let her watch me poop.


    I'm constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.


    Parenting means sometimes you ask your child what they're eating and they pull an entire multi-strand beaded necklace out of their mouth.


    get your kids vaccinated, weird this is now a position in a debate? I'm also against setting kids on fire or poisoning the town water supply


    The new mom at my work is so cute, she's still enthusiastic and doesn't have a drinking problem yet.


    My wife is away, so I have to get both my kids ready for school by myself. For lunch, I packed them both an iTunes gift card


    VOICEMAIL: I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can't try again until next year


    Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.


    When you're a parent, sometimes you get to take mini-vacations. These are also known as trips to the bathroom without your child knowing.



    Me: I've been a mum for nine years! Nine whole years! 9yo: Can I open my - Me: Ssh, this is Mummy's big day


    I'm at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old holding a permanent marker without the lid.


    I don't wanna say my 4yo is unfocused but this am instead of brushing his teeth he took off his underpants & slingshot them into the toilet.


    My biggest parenting conundrum: why it is so hard to put someone who is already sleepy to sleep


    I let my 3-year-old make her own dinner. She put candy corn on top cold pizza The apprentice has become the master.


    [At dinner] Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat? Me: Probably like 90% D: So it's 10% balls? Me: *spits out food*


    My 3yo "accidentally" unspooled the entire roll of toilet paper. But don't worry, he "fixed" it.




    "Momma there's something wrong with this iPad." -2yo playing with etch-a-sketch.


    I case y'all need a break from the grim news cycle, my 3yo has informed me she changed her name to Poem Ice Cream Leopard Baby.


    4-year-old: Why do I have to get dressed today? Me: You have to get dressed every day. She's still on the floor. I ruined her entire life


    If you were wondering, when your 4 year old asks you if she can cut her hair, there's a 100% chance it's because she already did.


    There is a half-eaten piece of toast on the back seat of my car because I have kids.


    *looks up from phone* "Kids!! we're leaving the playground in 22 percent."

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