18 Awful, Real Things That Toddlers Have Done
Turns out toddlers do lots of terrible things, most of them involving poo.
1. This gigantic clusterfuck.
"My daughter, who was about 18 months, at the time did a big poop on the kitchen floor. My son, who's two years older wanted to come and have a look. When he saw it he promptly threw up all over the poop. My wife ran off to get some kitchen towel and stuff to clean it up, and came back to find the dog trying to eat the whole disgusting mess. Happy times."
—Simon Thompson, Facebook
2. This twist ending.
"My daughter has only pooed once in the bath (whilst I was out grabbing a towel) and once projectile pooed on her bedroom wall (during a nap). It's not THAT unusual for a 2-year-old, but what bothered me was the poo around her mouth BOTH TIMES."
—Linzi Macdonald, Facebook
3. This beautiful fountain.
"My daughter had a stoma (a surgical hole in her bowel) and it worked fine – until she got teeth. Then she squeezed one day and a fountain came out of it. She was completely covered with poo, my friend was covered and even the table near her. It took me two hours to clean the couch and even today I think you can still see where it happened. But since then, we always have enough baby wipes nearby avoid another fountain... 😂😂"
—Larissa Regina, Facebook
4. This morning surprise.
"Our toddler was sick, so we hoped to get more sleep in the morning. Unfortunately we were disappointed, because at 7am he stood in our bed, his hands completely stuck in his diapers and covering our faces with his morning poo. Of course our white blankets had to go..."
—Skyler Ackermann, Facebook
5. This collaborative effort.
6. This utter, utter savagery.
"In McDonalds drive through, my 3-year-old son decided to tell me how fat the attendant was as she took our order from her window. 'Look how fat she is, Mum! Mum! Mum! Can’t you see that fat lady? I’ve never seen someone that fat. Have you Mum? MUM?!?!?'
"The worst part was that the line was still, and I had to sit there awkwardly, with the girl sitting in her booth, for several minutes after she had taken our order. He just kept going. When I told him to stop, he didn’t understand why.
"The attendant and I both kinda tried to pretend it wasn’t happening, with the background echo of “Wow! But she’s just so fat! Isn’t she, Mum?”
7. This pet-loving daughter.
"When my daughter came back from summer camp, I opened her suitcase in our apartment. It was full of maggots. After that I never opened my kids' suitcases at home."
—Ilse Mohr, Facebook
8. This little destroyer.
"Our toddler emptied his diaper bucket when he was 9 months old. His poop was everywhere, in his hair, between his teeth, on his hands, literally everywhere. On the walls and all clothes. He destroyed his high chair when he was 1 year old. This time he already had his third stroller. When he was two years old he destroyed his cot, and his portacrib when he was 3. He just jumped on it. He's 4 years old now and already on his eighth stroller in 12 months."
9. This public shaming.
"When my son was almost 4 we were in Sainsbury's queuing at the till. The man in front must have been on a promise and my son clocked one of the items in particular after his attention was caught by the clinking bottles of wine. He asked out loud for all the people to hear: ‘Why is the man's stuff in boxes? Our stuff isn’t in special boxes!’ The entire queue turned to look at the two GIANT boxes of condoms in secure plastic cases. My son would not let it drop. He kept asking me. And when I wouldn’t answer properly, he asked him direct: ‘mister, why you got special boxes?’"
10. This thoughtful present.
"My daughter once handed my mum a handful of poo. It was her own, which I think was a good thing."
11. This touching incident.
"My little one was playing with his penis. I told him to stop, because we were at dinner with extended family. His response: 'Mummy, it's mine!'"
12. This IT support.
"My two-year-old dumped apple juice on my work laptop, destroying it. It cost $90 to retrieve the data, plus the cost to replace the computer. Thanks, son."
13. This novel approach to doing the dishes.
"During the potty training years, my 2-year-old thought the appropriate place to pee would be in the dishwasher. Full of “clean” dishes. ☹️"
14. This – whatever this is.
"When my son (now 18 lol) was crawling, I decided to teach him about the beauty of nature, and teach him that spiders are not scary, all in one simple exercise. This was my first child and I was still terribly naïve about babies and toddlers, so I scooped up a rather large wolf spider and cupped it in my hands to show it to him. Quick as a flash, he grabs that spider out of my hands and straight into his mouth. I can still picture him sitting there with two, still twitching, hairy legs hanging out from his lips.
"I fully intend to use this anecdote at his wedding."
15. This unusual use of a purse.
"When my nephew was younger, I went to the funfair with him. We were in the middle of the house of mirrors, when he told me that he had to go to the toilet. Of course we couldn't find the exit in time, and his trousers and the floor were full of pee. Since I didn't had handkerchiefs with me, I used his textile purse to wipe up the floor. We went home after this. I washed his purse of course."
16. The beauty peeling
"I don't have children, but I have a story from my mother. My BFF and I had the stunning idea to give our neighbour's car a 'beauty peeling'. We treated the complete car with wet sand for two hours... I am sure that this wasn't a cheap treatment. .😅😂 But we meant well!"
—Megan Baggins, Facebook
17. This unforgettable memory.
"When our toddler puked on my head 🔫."
—Tamara Ramieres, Facebook
18. These good intentions.
"When my eldest son was about 3 years old he went through a phase of letting himself into the living room and kitchen first thing in the morning. The first morning this happened we found him butt naked in the kitchen. He’d done a neat little poo on the floor and was attempting to grill some mouldy bagels he’d got out of the bin. He’d got out the formula milk and attempted to make mix up a bottle for his baby brother, which was sitting in the microwave 'warming up'. It was so difficult to tell him off! We walked in and he burst into tears because we’d spoiled the surprise breakfast he was making us all."
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity