1. Galapagos Land Tortoise (193 years)
Did you know?: Wearing Galapagos Land Tortoise Shell Sunglasses is probably illegal.
2. Geoduck (160 years)
Did you know?: Geoducks are large clams that are very lewd.
3. Tuatara (200 years)
Did you know?: Tuataras is pronounced “two-a Taras” and must be spoken in an Italian accent.
4. Amazon Parrot (104 years)
Did you know?: The Amazon Forest is named after the Amazon Parrot.
5. Carp (100 years)
Did you know?: Carp rhymes with AARP. Coincidence?
6. American Box Turtle (123 years)
Did you know?: American Box Turtles are from America.
7. Lamellibrachia Tube Worm (170 years)
Did you know?: A life as a Lamellibrachia Tube Worm isn’t really worth living so don’t feel bad about this one.
8. Swan (102 years)
Did you know?: Natalie Portman, being a method actress, lived her life as a swan for sixth months leading up to the beginning of filming last year’s critically acclaimed No Strings Attached.
9. Red Sea Urchin (200 years)
Did you know?: Back in bible school I played the red sea urchin for a play about Noah’s Ark. Some critics still believe that was my strongest performance to date.
10. Bowhead Whale (211 years)
Did you know?: If you call your girlfriend a bowhead whale she will become angry.
11. Koi (226 years)
Did you know?: All male koi are named “Roy” while all female koi are named “Beatrice.”
12. Giant Tortoise (152 years)
Did you know?: Regardless of adjective, tortoises live longer than you.
13. Ocean Quahog (400 years)
Did you know?: Ocean Quahogs are known as the sexists of the ocean. Don’t burn your bra around an Ocean Quahog or you’re bound to be unsuccessful because you’re underwater. Bonus Fact!
The Ocean Quahog’s motto is “We do what we clam.”
14. Antarctic Sponge (1,550 years)
Did you know?: Antarctic Sponges love when you use their bodies to clean your toilet.
15. Turkey Buzzard (115 years)
Did you know?: To kick Benjamin Franklin while he was down after the country chose the Bald Eagle as the National Bird over Franklin’s choice of the Turkey Buzzard, George Washington invented Thanksgiving - a holiday where Americans would gather round and eat nothing but Turkey Buzzard. You may have done this.
16. Samuel L. Jackson (243 years [estimate])
Did you know?: Although only 62 years old at the moment, many experts (disclaimer: I consider myself an expert and always count myself twice) believe Samuel L. Jackson will live anywhere from twice to three times as long as you will. Just look at him, that man was born to survive.
17. Gloria Gaynor (Forever?)
Did you know?: Three people believe Gloria Gaynor will survive forever. One of them is Gloria Gaynor. The other two are me because as I just said above I always count myself twice.
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