5 Weird Things You Probably Didn't Know About St. Patrick's Day

You know you're supposed to wear green, drink beer, and kiss anyone with red hair or a heritage-hocking t-shirt. But here are a few other tidbits about America's favorite Irish theme party. (That you're sure to forget by your 5th Guinness)

1. It's St. Patrick's Death Anniversary

Avengers / Via moviefancentral.com

Yeah. Weird right? Unlike President’s Day, MLK Day, and Christmas Day – St. Patrick’s Day celebrates the dude’s death instead of his birth. He also didn’t even die in a cool way. He wasn’t martyred or engulfed in magical saint flames or deceived by an evil leprechaun or anything! No joke, he just kind of casually peaced out of existence and now, in memoriam, we all drink ourselves as close to death as possible without, hopefully, taking the Paddy plunge.

2. St. Patrick Had An Action Hero Life

Via tumblr.com

No joke. Homeboy was kidnapped at sixteen and taken to Gaelic Ireland to be a slave just like a freaking Peter Jackson movie. He worked there as a shepherd for six years because sure and then found God (presumably with one with an Irish accent and not one who is Morgan Freeman). Then not-Morgan Freeman God was like “go to the coast, I sent you a boat” and Patrick did and God had. THEN Patrick went back to regular Ireland (not to be confused with “you’re a slave here” Gaelic Ireland) and tried to spread Irish God’s word to all the pagan Irish folk until his disappointingly unremarkable death. (see above)

3. Shamrocks are Symbolic Crosses?

MmmmmHmmmm. The three leaves are supposed to represent the holy trinity and super hero saint Pat used them to teach the pagans all about his boat-totin’ God. So I guess this makes the four leaf clover actually a pretty blasphemous thing?

4. The Shortest St. Paddy’s Day Parade In The World Is the Distance Between Two Pubs

Via giphy.com

And it’s in Ireland. So that distance is 100 yards.

5. Lent Doesn't Count On Saint Patrick's Day

Real Talk. So if you gave up chocolate, facebook, or binge watching TV for lent – grab some Ghirardelli’s, meet the new “reactions” buttons, and find your favorite new webseries (may we suggest this holiday-appropriate one about redheads) because you have 24 hours off the holy Lenten clock of depravation. You know…just like Jesus.