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These George Carlin Jokes Will Make You Go Home And Rethink Your Life

BLEAK, but funny.

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The sanctity of life doesn't seem to apply to cancer cells, does it? You rarely see a bumper sticker that says 'Save the tumors'. Or 'I brake for advanced melanoma'.

Forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't … You have owners ... They own everything. They own all the important land. They own and control the corporations.

"One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I give you my revised list of the two commandments: "Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie", and "thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man than the one you pray to".

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that shit.

One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is "libertarian". People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable and, to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.

"Undisputed heavyweight champion." Well, if it's undisputed, what's all the fighting about?

Nbc / NBC / NBCU Photo Bank / Via

I don't understand why prostitution is illegal … why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away?

Where do people think these politicians come from? They don't fall out of the sky … They come from American homes, American families, American schools, American churches, and American businesses. And they're elected by American voters. This is what our system produces, folks.

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're tired.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

We are on a nice downward glide. I call it circling the drain … And the circles get smaller and smaller and faster and faster, if you watch the sink empty... Huish! And we'll be gone … I wish I could live 1000 years to watch it happen.

White people have invented a language to conceal their sins … The CIA doesn't kill anybody anymore, they neutralize people.

"Life is sacred"? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death!

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