1. Jon and Kate Plus 8
Come on: how are they even popular? The show is boring, the wife is mean, the kids scream a lot…and it’s a sham. And people get too riled up about tabloid covers. Who do we even direct our vomit towards? (Probably Kate.)
These juice fasts are really just a fancy way of saying “don’t eat and poop a lot.” So that makes me sick twice over, obviously, aside from which: any type of diet inspired by Sex and the City is a no.
Can we just all agree to stop putting bacon on everything? You do not need bacon with my porn or my cat videos; you need it at breakfast only. Please take the sex out, so we can put the love back in (and then keep it down).
4. MSNBC/All Cable News
Why are these people still talking? They are talking all the time, about nothing, and smart people get so excited! For once, can we enjoy a morning withouhearing how funny Keith Olbermann was the night before.
5. The Hills
This show causes a very specific type of sickness: the kind that comes when your brain is so dead that it cannot suppress your gag reflex any longer. The Hills makes you vomit from stupidity. MTV, what have you done to me?
A porn stache without porn is like Communion without the wine: dry and scratchy and pointless. It also gross to look at (the Communion analogy kind of breaks down there).
This does not apply to individuals who: a) work on farms b) live on Paper Towel wrapping. Otherwise, it’s a sea of Tim Allen impersonators out there, and I just can’t stomach it anymore.
8. Economic Bummers
Not having any money and firing people and going bankrupt is just getting boring. Zzzzzzz. No one wants to hear sad stories about people not being able to achieve their dreams; they give us stomach aches.
9. the Black Eyed Peas
When did we decide that Fergie was a sex symbol and Will.i.am was worthy of a hologram? Let us also note that their music is only acceptable for a 5th grader’s karaoke birthday party, the thought of which gives one heartburn.
10. Perez Hilton
Here is a man child who asks his disciples to call the police for him after using homophobic slurs against annoying musicians. And yet people read him, for he can passably draw a cum stain. Blrgh [air sickness bag].
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