Ever since Bertney was a little girl she never liked bras.
“Papa, if Baby Jesus made boobies to hang down and point all diff’rent d’rections, shouldn’t they hang down and point all diff’rent d’rections?” she had asked each and every morning for 22 years.
“Now, Bertney Jean,” Papa would say in his serious voice. “You know what happens when you go outside without them.”
“Demons,” Bertney would sigh. “Demons’ll happen.” But that didn’t stop her from taking it off while her bodyguards were driving. And sometimes even when Bertney was driving. It was her special magic trick!
One morning in particular, Bertney really wanted her boobies to hang free, so she put on a special dress and slipped out the door while Papa was busy counting his piles of money he makes from letting berfriends do silly things to her special spot.…
When Bertney got in the car, she told her driver to take her to Red Robin. This was a special macasion and Bertney wanted to feel fancy while her boobies were free.
And then it happened.
While Bertney was watching SpongeBob on the seat TV, a little red demon with wings appeared next to her.
“Hiya, Bertney!” it said, “Whatcha doin’?”
“Go ‘way,” Bertney said. “I’m not a ‘sposed to talk to you.”
“Aww,” said the demon. “It’s just I don’t got any friends, and I thought maybe you’d be my friend.”
Bertney felt sad for the demon. She didn’t have a lot of friends either. Just Sean and Jayden, but their daddy only lets them come over every other weekend. She sometimes wonder who’d their mommy was.
“Alright,” said Bertney, “I’ll be your friend.”
“Oh boy,” said the demon as he bobbed up and down in the air and clapped. “Now we can have some real fun!”
Later, Bertney woke up in a field inside a giant upside-down star with a funny looking goat’s head in it. She had no idea how she got there, or why she was covered in ketchup. She didn’t remember eating Furnch fries. In fact, she didn’t remember much of anything at all.
As she stood up, she saw lots of fire and several clouds that looked like big ol’ mushrooms in the distance. Bertney almost started to feel frightened, but then she spotted a McDonald’s close enough to walk. And it was still open!
“I’mma let my boobies fly free EVERYDAY!” Bertney squealed as she ran toward the Golden Arches.