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Commoners Offer Solutions To 10 Royal Problems

It's not easy being incredibly rich and powerful. Just ask The Royals. Tune in to the new season airing December 4 at 10/9c, only on E!

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We asked a bunch of commoners* to help solve some difficult royal problems. Here are the results. You're welcome, royal people.

*BuzzFeed employees


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Ryan: Wear whichever one you wake up in! You woke up like that hahaha no but seriously that’s what I do because I’m poor.

Chris: It truly depends on how much murdering you’re doing. Royal purple if it’s a boring diplomacy day, blue if you’re trying to get with that handsome prince from far away, and red if it’s a big old murder day.

Jen: Just keep in mind that it’s not life or death — there will ALWAYS be another gala.


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Eileen: Enlist a peasant to gently retrieve the offending caviars with a gold-plated toothpick.

Hannah: That's intentional. How else will all the lords and ladies know that you're eating straight-up beluga while they're stuck with sterlet?

Chris: Sounds like it's time for my caviar milkshake recipe to finally shine.


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Ayla: Don’t go out in a giant whalebone cage, then, you silly idiot! Wear a normal skirt.

Eileen: Enlist a peasant to wheel you around on a trolley like Hannibal Lecter.

Chris: Lift some weights. You don’t have to be a professional powerlifter, just strong enough to carry a farthingale and a country on your back.

Ben: What is a farthingale? Stop wearing it if you can’t walk, you royal clod.


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Ben: Yeah, and I bet your mouth is tired from all this complaining, you big chump! “King idiot” is more like it!

Eileen: There’s no need for so much scepter-holding. Unless you are decreeing or commanding a crowd, have a peasant carry it for you.

Ayla: Make your other arm your scepter arm and stop complaining. A lot of people would kill for a scepter. You probably did, too.


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Ayla: Relax. Stale chocolate never killed anybody. Sometimes I find chocolates in my purse that have been there for months. Do I complain? No! I eat them.

Ryan: Microwave them and then before they cool down, eat them. If it burns your tongue, that’s fun! If you wait too long, they get even more stale.

Kirk: Invade a kingdom that has fresher bonbons.


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Ben: One should give me the crown. I’ll wear it on my head until my neck falls into my body and I’m just a head with a body. Nobody would be able to cut off my head and I’d rule forever.

Ayla: Sell it on eBay.

Eileen: Have a solid-gold pulley-and-track system fashioned to your ceiling. Run a cable between your crown and the track so that you may move about freely with the brunt of the weight being held by the cable.

Kirk: Stiff upper lip, yo.


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Ryan: Sometimes, with neighbors, it’s important to start from a place of courtesy. Bring them some bonbons and politely ask them if there’s anything you can do for them to be a good neighbor.

Kirk: Cut out their tongues.

Chris: Oh, come on. You made the death penalty legal explicitly for this.


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Ben: Get down on your knees and suck the cognac out of the upholstery. It’s the only way. Also, please share your cognac with me.

Ayla: I think Ikea sells throne covers for pretty cheap.

Eileen: Well I guess you have to use the backup throne until that one has been cleaned.

Ryan: Move to Williamsburg?


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Ben: Poison her, dude. Man, how did you even become king? Did the old king die and you were just the only person standing nearby to catch the crown as he fell?


Ryan: Use it as a teaching opportunity! Tell her that “trying” isn’t always enough. She must know that success takes hard work and commitment. Then, lower her wage and/or murder her.


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Ayla: I’m deeply offended by this.

Ryan: Is this a gay thing? THAT’S LEGAL NOW, LADY!

Kirby: I can eliminate this problem for you, but it’s not going to be cheap.

Chris: Marrying for love always seems healthier, but make sure you keep the rest of the kids queued up to marry for diplomacy. Also, make sure he laces her so flavorful with the prenup, yo.

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