20 Reasons You Don’t Need No Man

“Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies”… By ‘two bodies’ you mean me and my bed, right, Aristotle?


But it takes soooooo long, plus you can, like, really hurt yourself on those razor things. They’re dangerous.

2. You have to pretend to be interesting… and normal.

Preach it, sista.

3. No one will ever worship us as much as Aaron Paul worships his wife… so what’s the point?!

The way he looks at her = ALL THE FEELS.

4. Plus Bey taught us to be single and independent so we can’t possibly let the Queen down.

You know, even though she’s actually married with a kid.

5. Kissing is gross, anyway.

You’ve brushed your teeth, right?

6. … And boys are gross.

9. You’re too busy preparing for your Broadway debut to focus on a man.

No one hits those high notes in Defying Gravity quite like you do in the shower. Your neighbours are so lucky.

10. The thought of sharing YOUR bed with another human sends shivers down your spine.

Whoops, looks like there’s no room for you. Damn.

11. If you had a boyfriend, you wouldn’t have the time to watch back-to-back episodes of Orange Is the New Black alllllll day… you’d have to like… go outside.

What? No more Crazy Eyes?!

12. And remember, outside is bad… because that means you have to wear actual clothes.

Sadly, your unicorn onesie just ain’t gonna cut it.

13. Living alone with cats doesn’t sound depressing, it sounds AWESOME.

She took it too far, though.

14. Dates are just.too.awkward.

Definitely should have stayed in bed. And to think, I actually shaved my legs for this.

15. And the love of our lives isn’t even real.

Come back to us, Seth. :(

16. You’re quite content living your love life vicariously through Taylor Swift.

Oh, Taylor, you just get me.

17. And, by the sounds of it, love is BRUTAL.


18. But it’s all good, ‘cause Nutella exists.

19. … And so does pizza.

20. So there you have it, ladies and gents, being forever alone ROCKS. And to all the loved-up folk out there, this one’s for you guys:

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