How To Clean A Litter Box Without Really Trying

Most procrastinators look at cleaning a litter box as the most degrading, and inconvenient of all chores. Read on and find out how to neutralize this turd-box, while expending the least amount of energy possible.


Ok, so first, I feel like I have to get this off of my chest: To those of you who call it a “cat box”? Just stop it. You sound like a pretentious asshole. It doesn’t even make sense. It’s not a box wherein you keep your cat, for God’s sake. I mean sure—“Litter Box”, although the correct term (I don’t make the rules), doesn’t make a lot of sense either. Is its etymology relative to the place where a mother cat gives birth to her litter? I certainly hope not—not in mine anyway. Either way, no matter what you want to call it, this “box by any other name” would smell just as shitty, because let’s face it: NO ONE likes to clean it out.

So what’s one to do? Sure, no one expects you to be RESPONSIBLE and actually create—and stick to—some sort of religious schedule of de-shitting your home / apartment / shack; But at the same time, no one wants to come over, and feel like they’ve been formally introduced to the bladder walls of a feral feline in heat. So here are a few options for finding yourself somewhere between the two:

2. Get Sifting

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This product—aside from looking dangerously close to being a hairnet with a plastic waistband—would help you get rid of “only the dirt…” in a flash! So can no one actually call it what it is?

3. Get Innovative

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Ok, so given the quality of the marketing and the cheesy infomercial dramatization of the original task, this looks like it could be “the last litter box alternative you buy from a tv commercial”; but if it works, I say go for it. There’s actually a link to a video, posted by a blind cat owner, shown at the end of this one. If you don’t believe this product looks any good, let him tell you his story.

4. Harness The Magickal Power Of Crystals

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Um…. “Weeks at a time”?… Are you kidding me? My cat’s dumps would DESTROY that machine—that tray’s only an inch thick! In any event, I’d just like to point out that those are definitely Tootsie rolls being collected and discarded into the waste tray. No joke. What kind of society have we become that we can’t advertise for what we’re really selling? Periods aren’t blue, and cat shit ain’t Tootsie rolls.

5. Get Robotic

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What…… a kitty Death Star.

6. Think Outside The Box

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This guy, I think actually gets it. “… That foul odour pouring out of the litter box”? Now THAT is a procrastinator’s litter box. Now, granted, this guy’s technique could use some work, but this option looks like the coolest one, and best of all, it would mean NO LITTER BOX CLEANING, if it works. Could you imagine?


Of course, you could always just do what I end up doing: keep putting it off and keep putting it off, until you have to just throw the damn thing away. It’s worth noting that this method, also, means no litter box cleaning. You pick your battles.

For more meaningless advice visit The Crastinator


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