16 Ways To Really, Really Annoy A Londoner

Can everyone just be cool, please?

1. Trying to sneakily dump your rubbish because you're too lazy to take it with you.

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"No, no, no, you didn't look suspicious at all stuffing that crisp packet behind you and legging it off the train before anyone could pull you up on it. Reeeeeeal mature, buddy."

2. Playing suuuuuuper-loud music.

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"You know what I really love? Hearing the dull tat-TAT-tat-TAT of repetitive hi-hats belonging to some dumb dance song through the medium of your headphones. Yep. Love it. Better than a festival. Definitely doesn't make me want to cry."

3. Wearing a huge rucksack at rush hour.

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"Look, I'll level with you: I get it. You really want to bring your gym kit to work. I understand. I feel you. But the extra space summoned by your rucksack is forcing me so tight into the corner of this carriage that I'm going to have to assume gaseous form to continue. Cool? Cool."

4. Having a large suitcase – anywhere.

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"Ma'am that is FAR too big for you."

5. Barging onto a train without letting people off first.

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"Oh, somewhere to be, have we? Yeah, you and everyone else trying to get around this evening..."

6. Shuffling.

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"Surely you can see, just as well as I can see, that there is an oversaturation of people on this street. It is full to the gills. And you, sirs, are walking at the pace of a retired tortoise. LET'S SPEED IT UP."

7. Abruptly stopping still.

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"I'm not saying stopping in the middle of a busy street for a group selfie should be grounds for banning, but let's at least have a conversation about it."

8. Asking them to travel outside of Zone 2.

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"The following are unacceptable: Wimbledon, Tooting, Richmond, Walthamstow, Highgate, and all those strange places the Metropolitan line visits somewhere near Reading."

9. Not adhering to proper escalator etiquette.

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"Where do you think this is, America? Because, when you think about it, we go slow on the right and overtake on the left...which is actually a whole lot like America."

10. Failing to move down the carriage.

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"MOVE. DOWN. THE TRAIN. PLEASE."

11. Being flummoxed by a ticket machine.

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"What's that? It's your first time in the capital? UNACCEPTABLE!"

("This situation most definitely has nothing to do with the fact I decided to rock up at the station two minutes before my train leaves...")

12. Showing a complete disregard for Britain's rich cultural history of queuing.

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"I'm not going to say anything, I'm just going to glare, tut, and work myself up into a silent rage, of which I'll later take out on my co-workers and loved ones."

13. Talking to them about the weather.

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"OH, RAINY IS IT? HADN'T NOTICED."

14. Talking to them about house prices.

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"OH, EXPENSIVE IS IT? HADN'T NOTICED."

15. Trying to talk to them, full stop.

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"Oh god, I just made eye contact with another human."

16. Suggesting that maybe they should think about living elsewhere?

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Londoners: Handle with caution!

We can all be a little fragile when faced with the stresses of the big city. So let's help these delicate little flowers out and remember a little courtesy can go a long way. Brought to you by Transport for London.