This Company Announced It Was Making Coffee For Dogs, And Then Shit Got Weird

    Coffee. For dogs.

    This morning, multiple journalists got a press release that was jaw-dropping on every level.

    In case you just fainted, get some yourself smelling salts ASAP because this is important shit. There really was a press release for "a coffee for all mammals" (ugh) called Rooffee. Y'know, Rooffee, like roofies, like Flunitrazepam, aka a DATE RAPE DRUG.

    To say this caused a shockwave is an understatement. First, we were all astounded that anyone could be that dumb. Then, we thought NO ONE could be that dumb and we assumed it was a viral prank, especially based on the promotional photos.

    THEN we thought, Wait, you’re pranking us essentially by making a rape joke to go viral? Wow.

    So which one was it? I needed to know. Luckily, Jakutyte explained WTF is up with the name. Folks, I am here to tell you that the answer is reason #2: she says she did not know what roofies were.

    To be fair, Jakutyte said she'll probably change the name of the product so as not to offend anyone.

    To be unfair, that means that Rooffee is, in fact, real (pending funding from its not-yet-activated Kickstarter) even though everything about the "wild nordic biohack for dog's morning routine" screams "VIRAL MARKETING GIMMICK."

    Here are some of the highlights from the press release for this 'real product':

    * "SHOO noticed a shocking tendency among dog owners of feeding their pets with dry food. Here SHOO found a holistic solution – Rooffee - a coffee type of drink made from Nordic wild roots containing no agricultural chemicals or pesticides, no caffeine, and no other nonsense."

    * "Now the consciousness is booming and more pet owners are waking up to the idea that food is meant to fuel their best friends and their own selves. Here what matters most is how your food makes you and your pet feel."

    * "That's why we created Rooffee - a herbal biohack to power you and your dog. Roots of the herbs are all natural source of minerals, vitamins, carbohydrates, fats, and proteins which help to boost the immune system, detoxify the body and nourish it."

    * “'Look at the huge and extremely amazing companies as Airbnb or Uber – they are successful because they have created some algorithms needed to solve each and every people’s problem in the modern world."

    * "SHOO introduces 5 types of Rooffee each containing a different root for every weekday –Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Drinks from dandelion, chicory, hawthorn seed, carrot seed, and burdock provide tons of benefits for you and your pooch such as better digestive and immune systems, stronger heart, healthier and shining skin and coat. It also works as a prebiotic, anti-oxidant and anti-aging agent!"

    So, to sum up, dry dog food is bad, consciousness is booming, we need to eat the same food as our dogs, Airbnb, Uber, Rooffee, chicory. Got it.

    We don’t deserve dogs. We’ll never deserve dogs. And no one — dogs or humans — deserves dogs with coffee shits.