1. “Oh, no, sweetie! You dropped your cookie on the ground! I better throw that away!” Spohr/BuzzFeed Because I never let my kids eat food off the ground. 2. “Where did you learn that naughty word?” FOX / Via jl863.tumblr.com From me. You definitely learned it from me. 3. "She was pretending to eat your son's face? I don't know where she gets these crazy ideas!" thinkstockphotos.com|fotandy She gets them from watching The Walking Dead with her cousins. 4. “This is the first time he's bitten anyone!” Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Universal / Via diablito666.tumblr.com Today. 5. “Maybe if you're very, very good, we'll go to McDonald's for lunch as a treat.” Vintage and Supply / Via etsy.com Just like you were very, very good yesterday. 6. “Of course I never said that about you! My son just has a wild imagination!” Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Paramount He also needs to learn to keep his mouth shut. 7. "Oops, dirty nails! Looks like we missed a spot at bath time!” 20th Century Fox Last week. 8. “I bought this today, but usually I make all her baby food myself.” ThinkStock / Via nnovatedcaptures Because the only thing more fun than steaming peas is washing blender parts. 9. “I made these from scratch!” Flickr: betzywd / Via Creative Commons Well, someone did, anyway. 10. "I weaned her at 20 months.” commons.wikimedia.org Rounding up from 10. 11. “No, no, silly, phones are for Mommy.” Flickr: littlebiglens / Via Creative Commons And for restaurants, grocery stores, doctor's offices, and car trips. 12. “We don't play violent video games at our house.” Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Rockstar / Via kotaku.com They're computer games. 13. "She designed that science fair project all by herself." Thinkstock / Via cache4.asset-cache.net First she designed it, then I built it. 14. “She missed school yesterday because she wasn't feeling well.” Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Paramount / Via innernocturnal.tumblr.com And because you'd be crazy to go to Disneyland on a weekend. 15. “We made our own play dough today!” Flickr: eyeliam / Via Creative Commons And that just bought me two weeks of guilt-free screen time. 16. "She was pretending to mix cocktails? How funny! She must have seen that in a movie.” Eoghan OLionnain / Via Flickr: 11742539@N03 Yeah, in a home movie. 17. “We would love to do a play date, but he has soccer practice today.” NBC / Via giphy.com And he'll have soccer practice every time you invite us over all year. 18. "We never drink out of puddles!" Flickr: hlkljgk / Via Creative Commons Water is water. 19. “I put sunscreen on him at home.” Getty Images / Via gettyimages.com I did not.