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11 Cocktails Every Human Adult Needs Literally Right Now

Every hour spent with children is a happy hour! And by "happy hour," we mean a time in which you should have booze on hand. Kick back with a cocktail and tune in to TV Land's Teachers when all-new episodes start Tuesday, Nov. 7, at 10/9c.

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1. The "It's 9 A.M., and Your Kid Already Had Three Temper Tantrums" Negroni


1 ounce gin

1 ounce sweet vermouth

1 ounce herb-and-fruit liqueur

1 ½ hours children screaming with murderous fervor

5 sleepless nights in a row

2. The Midmorning "My God" Margarita


2 tablespoons lime juice

1 tablespoon simple sugar

1 shot tequila

1 hour cleaning what you're hoping to God is not children's feces off the bathroom wall

3 years contempt toward childless couples

3. The "These Moms Are Driving Me Off a Cliff Again" Mojito


2 ounces white rum

4 ounces club soda

17 rude yoga moms in head-to-toe athleisure

3 sets of parents all judgmental of your life choices

Mint and sugar to taste

4. The "My High Schooler Might Be Having Sex" Highball


2 shots whiskey

4 ounces ginger ale

A couple of moments of sheer terror

1 long, awkward discussion with your 15-year-old about condoms

1 embarrassing realization that the "birth control" you found on your daughter's bedside table was, in fact, allergy medication

5. The "Wait, It's Not 4 Yet?" White Russian


1 shot vodka

4 ounces coffee liqueur

1 ounce cream

751 glances at the clock

A couple times accidentally exclaiming "Jesus Christ!" in front of impressionable children

6. A "Sex on the Beach, Interrupted"


1 ounce vodka

1 ounce peach schnapps

2 ounces pineapple juice

1 ounce cranberry juice

2 hours waiting for the kids to fall asleep

3 false alarms

1 "Maybe another night" for the fifth time this week

8. The "PTA Punch"


1 shot vodka

4 ounces fruit punch

2 orange slices

7 adults fighting over who has the most pinnable bake-sale recipe

15 other adults who'd rather be literally anywhere else in the world right now

1 cup of coffee you wish you'd spiked before leaving the house

9. The "My Life Is Nothing Like a Glamorous TV Show" Cosmopolitan


1 ½ ounces vodka

1 ounce lime juice

1 ½ ounces cranberry juice

0 pairs designer shoes

1 female friend who is mostly always busy with her own family

1 lover who is consistently asleep by 8 p.m. and suffers from a deviated septum

10. The "Seventh Saturday Night Spent on the Sofa" Sangria


3 apple slices

2 pear slices

3 ounces wine

4 ounces juice

Several blankets

0 sex

Absolutely no loud music

3–4 personal pizzas

~17 farts

11. The "No, This Is Just Iced Tea" Long Island Iced Tea


1 ounce white rum

1 ounce vodka

1 ounce lemon juice

1 ounce cola

1 discreet to-go cup

A few reassurances that "this is really great lemon iced tea"

Several envious stares from the other adults at this assembly

All images from iStock

Grab your fave child-induced cocktail, and be sure to tune in to Teachers when brand-new episodes return Tuesday, Nov. 7, at 10/9c.

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