Fantasy Minute: Draft Special
We have called back our best #1 fantasy show “Fantasy Minute” to tell all the viewers that we have about the Football players that they like a lot and want to know about. The experts we have, Jim & Jon know everything about everything, and Jim & Jon also have guests on who know things about the stuff Jim & Jon don’t even know about.
AT&T Park: Before & After the Security Falcons
Like most places near an ocean, lake, pond, or festering puddle, the San Francisco Giants' AT&T park has a gull problem. Typically, said problem manifests itself in a relatively useful form, the Seagulls swooping down at games end to peck at some scrumptious garbage. But recently the gulls have gotten bold, interfering mid-game, acting like they own the dang place, and the Giants will not stand for it. In a measure to combat the Seagull problem, the Giants plan to recruit a squad of security falcons. Sounds like a good idea, but, for reasons explored above, it just doesn't sit right with us.
Harry Potter NFL Lockout Comparisons
Harry Potter (or, more appropriately, ‘Arry Pottah) premiers tonight at midnight (is that tomorrow?), and the excitement in the office is palpable. Seeing that fantasy football probably won’t happen this season, we felt it admissible to drift into a little fantasy of our own; a fantasy in which the main characters of the Potter world are allegories for the main players in the NFL Lockout. Aided by only the slightest touch of photoshop magic, here is our enchanting attempt to compare the two.
Ben & Jerry's MLB Summer Flavors
Rumors of a new Ben & Jerry’s flavor inspired by the vintage SNL skit “Schweddy Balls” are circling faster than a coconut-mango swirl. While we here at the tauntr office prefer a gelatto the thought of ice cream got our minds salivating. And since nothing captures summer quite like baseball and a waffle cone we’ve created some MLB fIavors the old Vertmont hippies would do well to start mixing up.
Tim Thomas Air Pump
Despite being on the cusp of winning his franchise’s first Stanley Cup, Roberto Loungo feels slighted that opposing netminder Tim Thomas has failed to compliment him, saying, “I've been pumping his tires ever since the series started, and I haven't heard one nice thing he had to say about me,” to which Thomas replied, “I didn’t realize it was my job to pump his tires.”
Behold: Spend a Day With the Stanley Cup
Many hockey fans probably saw the video of 9-year-old Christian LaMonica, the New Jersey kid who won a day with the Stanley Cup. What wasn’t mentioned in that heartwarming tale was that Christian wasn’t the original winner. The contest was actually won by a 25 year old guy and his roommate. However, after seeing what these two jackasses did with the most venerable trophy in sports, the NHL decided to go with a more publicly “appropriate” winner. While the NHL never wanted the footage of the first winner to be released, and understandably so, we were able to obtain a copy.
5 Greatest NBA Finals Moments Legoized
A few months ago we recreated some of March Madness greatest moments using only Legos. People seemed to enjoy it, so we decided to do it again for the pro ballers. So before you sit down tonight to enjoy the NBA Finals, take a brief moment to relive some of the Finals greatest moments—Gar Heard in the Garden, Dr. J's baseline scoop, Magic's hook, Microwave Johnson and of course Jordan's "last" shot—all painstakingly recreated using Legos.
The Rapture Draft
May 21, If it were any other year we would refer to this date as Saturday, but, since its the year of the worlds end, we call it the Rapture. A day when the architects of Christianity save the sacred from the damned, lifting the divine from the hell scape of earth and handing them the keys to eternal utopia. Much to our surprise the method by which the blessed are chosen is no more sophisticated than the NBA draft. We’ve received an advanced copy of the first rounds selections. Hate to break it to you, but you’re not on it.
NFL Lockout Workouts
Certain players have been organizing players work-outs. Being the players they are, the form of those workouts has been...questionable. But since it's football, and anything football at this uncertain time is quenching, we figured we’d give you a little sip of how athletes are keeping fit.
Warding Off A Playoff Shark Attack
Bad: If the Sharks lose against the Red Wings tonight, the Sharks will be one of only 4 teams in NHL history to let a team comeback from a 0-3 deficit in playoffs. Worse: Since the lockout the Sharks have finished each season at or near the top of the Western Conference standings. Each of those seasons they’ve been bounced early from the playoffs. Piling on: In the Sharks 20-year history, the team has made the playoffs 14 times. They’ve only advanced to conference finals twice (Calgary in ’04 and Chicago last season) and only tallied a pair of wins in those series (2 against Calgary, they were swept by Chicago last season). Meaning: The Sharks have a proud history of choking in the playoffs. And: This inforgraphic demonstrates just how teams are able to ward off the Sharks when it comes down to playing for Lord Stanley’s Cup.
The Exorcism of LeBron James
But while he may have abandoned his soul and the city of Cleveland for an opportunity to exorcize his Celtic demon, it appears it may have worked. The Heat go into tonight's game against the Celtics up 3-1 with a chance to close them out. The Heat are on the brink of a berth in the Eastern Conference finals, but has the Irish hobgoblin that has tortured LeBron too strong to shake? We'll find out tonight.
A Call to End Elderly Abuse
We recognize that we’ve been a bit harsh on the Celtics today, poking fun of their age and reiterating how the Heat have dominated them through the first two games of the series. As a ways to make amends, we’ve decided to run a public service announcement highlighting a very serious issue that we so ignorantly mocked today—elderly abuse.
AARP Magazine Cover: The Big 3
The bad the news for the Celtics is that after another dominating performance by the Heat, Boston finds itself in a 2-0 hole in the Eastern Conference semifinals. The worse news is that they look old. They can't run with the Heat, they're being crossed over, blocked and outplayed to the point where it seems that the Celtics window is just closing, it's closed if not shuttered. But the good news for Boston's Big 3 geriatrics? The cover of the latest issue of AARP The Magazine is all theirs.
Jack Edwards Calls Out Fenway Fan
The New England Patriots, who thought their draft was better spent picking running backs than addressing concerns at the linebacker position, would benefit from looking into signing this Fenway security guard should the NFL decide to grace us with their presence next season. His perfect form tackle is a sterling example of why you shouldn't run on the field when you’re hammered drunk. That, and you don’t want Jack Edwards mocking you.
NBA Playoff Haircuts
Athletes, being highly superstitious individuals, will go through peculiar rituals if they believe it will bring them good luck come playoffs. Playoff beards in hockey are a classic example, but NBA players are getting in on the hair trend too. The trail blazed by guys like Dennis Rodman and Ron Artest was traveled by Memphis' Tony Allen as he carved an intimidating and glittery grizzly bear into his head prior to last night's game against the San Antonio. The crazy haircut must've had some effect, as the 8th seeded Griz won, putting the top seeded Spurs on the brink of elimination. Seeing the power of the hair, other NBA players are seizing the trend to try to bring them some good mojo as well.
Interesting Details About the Saban Statue
Yes, Nick Saban has only been the coach of Alabama for four seasons. True, he has shown a proclivity to leave a job when a better/more lucrative opportunity arises [SEE: University, Michigan State; University, Louisiana State; Dolphins, Miami]. But the man won the University of Alabama a national championship. In ‘Bama, that means something—it means so much, that Saban now has a statue outside Bryant-Denny Stadium. The bronzed ball coach was unveiled this past Saturday before Alabama “A-Day” spring scrimmage and we’ve highlighted some of the statue’s interesting details.