You have sworn at a rickshaw driverYou’ve almost hit a rickshaw driver.A rickshaw driver has hit your vehicle.You have argued with a rickshaw driver about tampering with his meter.You have sat in a rickshaw for 2 hours because of traffic.You can never find a taxi.You can never find a taxi driver who will take you where you need to go.You have emotionally blackmailed a taxi driver.You have cried while fighting with a taxi driver.You have bonded for life with a taxi driver.You have argued with a taxi driver about tampering with his meter.You have sworn at strangers on the local train.You have fought with strangers on the local train.You have hung on for dear life on a local train.You know "doctors" who can enlarge or shrink ear lobes thanks to the local train.You have had difficulty breathing on a local train.You have shamelessly elbowed people out of the way to get on a local train.You suffer a mild-to-strong panic attack on hearing the words “Next stop Dadar.”You've tried to call "26407383 Beanbags" at least once.You use the word “chutiya,” “chuth,” “madarchod,” or “bhenchod” at least once a day.You know the full form of KLPD.You judge people based on whether they say "Mumbai" or "Bombay."You refer to pani puris as “pani puris.”You call people who work for you “boss" and you call service people "bhaiya."You refer to cops as "pandus."You can’t complete a sentence without saying “arre,” “ya,” or “acha.”You think adding "no" to the end of the sentence makes it more convincing. Eg: "Do it, nooo."You have been inappropriately touched by a eunuch.You have been inappropriately touched by a man.You complain about the trash on the roads.You throw the trash on the roads.You swear at another driver at least once a day.You swear at the traffic at least once a day.You swear at pedestrians at least once a day.You have familiarzed yourself with every pothole on your regular route.You continue to eat at your favorite restaurant despite spotting a rat.You have found several hairs in your food over the years.You've eaten street food cooked by a man who scratched his crotch with the same hand.You hate the BMC with the force of a thousand overflowing gutters.All your coolest footwear is from Linking Road or Colaba Causeway.And your coolest furniture is from Chor Bazaar.You have bargained something down to one fifth of the original price.You have all the dry days listed on your calendar.Your idea of an enjoyable night is a driving around on relatively empty roads.You have "your guy" for doing everything illicit, from jailbreaking cellphones to delivering weed.You start every drunk night at institutions like Totos, Jantas, or Ghettos.You end every drunk night out with food at a possibly illegal 24-hour street food stall.You pity people who can’t buy “single” cigarettes.Your local wine seller delivers alcohol personally to your place after hours.You've spent your entire paycheck at a club.But now you don't club anymore, you "gig."You've been to a show at Mehboob Studio.You know at least one aspiring actor, one aspiring politician, and one aspiring musician.The word naakabandi scares the shit out of you.You complain about bandhs but secrety look forward them.You can't decide whether you love or hate rickshaw/taxi strikes.You have triple parked your car.You've watched a match at Wankhade.You've taken visiting friends to Azaad Maidan, VT, Haji Ali, and the Gateway.You complain about corruption in India.You have bribed a cop when you got caught breaking a signal.You have bribed a cop when you got caught making out in a car.You have bribed a cop when you got caught using your cellphone while driving.You measure distance in time and you measure time in distance.You have eaten a Schezwan dosa.You have eaten something called a triple Schezwan.You'll eat anything with the word "Schezwan."Your favorite Chinese food is the kind at South Indian restaurants.You have the world’s strongest digestive system.You go to a new restaurant every week.But you go to the same café every week for years.You wouldn't survive without your bai and dhobi.You think cutting chai is so much cooler than espresso shots.When the temperature drops below 22 degrees, you put on a sweater and call it winter.You have narrowly missed driving or stepping over a cow.You have changed your walking path because the sidewalk was occupied by a cow.You judge crowds who gather outside Bollywood celebrities' houses.Whenever you're at Bandra Bandstand you secretly hope Shah Rukh Khan will come out of his house.You have to show out-of-town relatives Shah Rukh Khan's and the Bachchan's houses.You give directions in terms of shops, restaurants, and celebrities' houses instead of actual street names.Open space to you means finding a small spot to sit on the Carter Road promenade.You think Vada Pav is Bombay's gift to the world.You have fought with others for cutting a line but you cut lines regularly.You swear at anyone who honks at you but you honk incessantly.You judge people based on whether they live in East or West.If you're from Bandra you think “Townies are snobs.”If you're from South Bombay you think everyone north of you is a wannabe.If you live in Powai or Vashi, you’re tired of not being considered a Mumbaikar.You have peed in public at least once in your life.You've been to Gaiety Galaxy at least once in your life (and judged yourself for enjoying it).For you, India is Bombay.You've lived through floods, riots and attacks, but every time you get up and head to work the next day.Even if you aren't Catholic, you've attended Christmas mass.Even if you aren't Hindu, you go out in the streets to celebrate Holi, Diwali, and Ganesh Chaturti.And no matter what religion you are, you have broken iftar at Mohammed Ali Road.You complain about Bombay all the time, but passionately defend it when others criticize it.The view you see driving across the Sea Link is the most beautiful sight in the world.You miss the "smell" of Bombay when you're away.You know Bombay is the best city in the world.Oh, and you hate Delhi.
Are You A True Mumbaikar?
Move to Delhi, bhenchod.
Arrey, choot. You're as Mumbai as punctuality, which means you're not Mumbai at all. Now that you're here, you might as well try to get better, na? Use this checklist as your to-do list and come back when you're done. One word of advice: Zara hat ke, zara bach ke. Yeh hai Bombay, meri jaan.
Acha you're basically halfway there. Chalega for now, but you still have a lot of Bombay left to experience. You're a good enough Mumbaikar to perfectly gaali-out anyone who claims you aren't, lekin picture abhi baki hai, mere dost.
You're a SOLID Mumbaikar. You're not full and full Mumbaikar yet, but you're almost there. You're as Mumbai as an aspiring actor sitting at CCD. You're as Bombay as Old Monk mixed with Thums Up. Ek dum theek, bro.
You're a TRUE Mumbaikar. You're a pro at giving gaalis and taking panga. You're as Mumbai as rush hour at Dadar. You're as Bombay as Sachin hitting a 6 at Wankhade. You're bindaas, boss.