1. "You're a [insert team here] fan?! Name five starting players on the team."
Oh you like coffee? Name five top-selling brands...
2. "Real fans don't talk about how hot the players are."
Interestingly enough, I can assess a player's physical appearance and their performance on the field... AT THE SAME TIME. It's like a superpower.
3. "Girly team gear annoys me. Those girls don't know anything about the game. They are just trying to look cute."
4. "Have you ever even been to a game?"
You can't be using that as a serious way to gauge whether I actually follow a team. My socioeconomic status, work schedule, family life, relative location to the team itself, or any other mitigating factor as to why I may or may not have been to a game is a way for you to tell how legit my fandom is? It's called a television.
5. "Of course [insert star player's name here] would be your favorite player."
I know, I can't believe I love the best player on the team! Crazy, right?
6. "Did you just pick that team because you like their colors?"
YOU CAUGHT ME. My simple brain can only register bright colors, so I chose the ever original blue and white scheme that makes up 45% of all American logos. I wouldn't be caught dead in — *gasp* — RED and white. #Yuck
7. "You wouldn't know [insert old school player's name here]. He played in the '80s."
Bro, I watch ESPN and YouTube. I know who Walter Payton is. I also know who Ronald Reagan is! Do I get a gold star?
8. "That's not illegal contact. Believe me I would know. I played."
You played? I'm pretty sure your three years on that old man flag football team on Thursday nights doesn't qualify you to be the resident expert on NFL penalties.
9. "You just watch the games because you want to impress guys."
Ain't nobody got time for that.
10. "Oh, you watch SportsCenter?"
My dear god. You mean the most popular sports news show in the world? Yeah, I've managed to track down that elusive program and take it in a few times.