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    Posted on Nov 27, 2013

    21 Basic Cooking Skills You Still Don't Have

    Thank god for takeout.

    1. Knowing how to boil pasta to an edible texture.

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    You've either let them boil for too long (and eaten soggy pasta) or pulled the plug too quickly (and eaten pasta hard as rocks).

    2. Cooking rice without completely scorching the bottom of the pot.

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    And needing an ICE PICK to scrape it off.

    3. Properly cooking meats so you don't give yourself salmonella.

    4. Distinguishing the difference between basil, thyme, oregano, sage, marjoram—wait, what the hell is marjoram?

    5. And knowing how much of each to put in.

    6. Sprinkling an appropriate amount of salt so it doesn't ruin the entire meal.

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    Oversalting is basically undoing all the labor you put into the meal.

    7. Baking a batch of cookies without burning them to oblivion (even though you already cheated by using Break 'N Bake.)

    8. Chopping vegetables so they're not in ginormously uncivilized proportions.

    9. Making "sunny side up" as pretty as it sounds.

    10. Finally rolling sushi the right way until you fuck it all up by trying to cut it.

    11. Breaking eggs without the shells falling into your food.

    12. Flipping pancakes without turning them into deformed monstrosities.

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    If "mickey mouse" pancakes only stayed as cute as they were BEFORE YOU FLIPPED.

    13. Estimating how much food your skillet can actually hold.

    14. Adding garlic and onions at the right time so they don't turn black.

    15. Making soup.

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    How? Water + flavor? Am I supposed to boil a whole chicken?

    16. And finally...

    17. NOT

    18. BURNING

    19. EVERYTHING

    20. YOU

    21. TOUCH.

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    Yup, that was "cooked" in a microwave.

    (bye)