back to top

The 21 Erotic Moments From The First Time You're In A Bulk Barn

Life will forever be divided into two parts: Before Bulk Barn and after Bulk Barn.

Posted on

You are born.

You hear music for the first time.

You enter Bulk Barn:

1. There are containers-à côté de-containers-à côté de-containers of cookies: Small, big, medium, chocolate drizzle, graham, fillings, crumbles. You let out a helpless whimper.

BuzzFeed Canada

2. Down the aisle, the components of cookie are broken down by ingredients. You stop to gaze at the "chip" sex-tion. (Hack: Skip the baking step, fist a handful directly into your mouth.)

(Note: OK, so you shouldn't sample or reach into their bins, as much as your lustful heart wants to. Instead, buy a bag of cookie toppings. Eat them on your route home.)
BuzzFeed Canada

(Note: OK, so you shouldn't sample or reach into their bins, as much as your lustful heart wants to. Instead, buy a bag of cookie toppings. Eat them on your route home.)

3. Around the corner, we almost arrive at candy aisle. But in the middle is the convergence of cookie and candy. Their offspring is so beautiful. You shed a single tear.

Hi Cookies 'n' Creme Drops, I've never seen anything like you before. *In a breathy Norah Jones voice* Come away with me.
BuzzFeed Canada

Hi Cookies 'n' Creme Drops, I've never seen anything like you before.

*In a breathy Norah Jones voice* Come away with me.

4. You turn a slow corner. You gulp. Your starry gaze can't even settle on a single sight; it surveys the swells of gummied, sugared, soured products.

When I die, burry me in a sea of fuzzy peaches.
BuzzFeed Canada

When I die, burry me in a sea of fuzzy peaches.

5. There are sweets you didn't even know you yearned for.

*Kendrick voice* Pool full of gummies then you dive in it.
BuzzFeed Canada

*Kendrick voice* Pool full of gummies then you dive in it.

6. And all sorts of technicolour sour things. Here we have bondage tape for your tongue.

(Sorry)
BuzzFeed Canada

(Sorry)

7. And jawbreakers the size of your fist.

BuzzFeed
SIZE OF MY FIST.
That's a jawbreaker.

SIZE OF MY FIST.

8. And "Licorice Babies" — OK we'll pass on this one. But we're glad you're here.

BuzzFeed Canada

9. You cool off a bit in the next lane over: Dried fruit. I don't normally f*cks with you, but your selection is titillating.

BuzzFeed Canada

10. The next aisle: Pastas. Individual pasta pieces in bulk?! You fantasize the possibilities of mixing and matching.

BuzzFeed Canada

11. And sitting above the pastas are piñatas. You imagine stuffing one with a strange and personal melange of items to hang up and break yourself. Funny or sad? You can't tell.

BuzzFeed Canada

12. Moving along, your eyes bazooka out of their sockets and your legs begin to shake. Sugar crystals. Sprinkles. CRACK.

Crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack.
BuzzFeed Canada

Crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack.

13. After reaching your sugar peak, you head into the savoury aisle, where nuts of all shapes and breadth greet you.

BuzzFeed Canada

14. Nuts you've never been acquainted with before.

BuzzFeed Canada

15. Just as your knees begin to weaken, you're met with large cylinder containers of nutty velvet. They give out.

BuzzFeed Canada

16. And you can barely regain strength when you realize you can CHURN THE NUTS YOURSELF into smooth, creamy tufts of butter.

BuzzFeed Canada

17. Oh, but the adventure is barely over. You swivel around and you find an entire library of spices.

BuzzFeed Canada

18. And one very naughty powder. You suddenly realize that you yourself can make your KD even cheesier.

And that there is no limit. limx→-KD- f(x) = - ∞
BuzzFeed Canada

And that there is no limit.

limx→-KD- f(x) = - ∞

19. At the end of your trip is a shelf of miscellaneous packaged goods. You affirm that junk food in bulk > junk food in rations.

BuzzFeed Canada

20. Because nothing will ever get you as excited as a tub of your favourite goodies you can literally bury your face in.

BuzzFeed Canada

21. You heave a satisfying sigh. Life will never quite be the same. BulkBarnBaggies5ever.

BuzzFeed Canada

22.

23.