1. Look at this burger. I’m sad.
4. But as loyal Canadians, we tried the damn thing. The reviews — like our taste buds — were very mixed and confused.
Off the bat, it was very rich, and that was without even tasting the chocolate or peanut butter. When I got closer to the middle [of the meat] it was like eating Nutella.
The best part was when I took out the piece of bacon and it was covered in melted peanut butter and chocolate. That tasted so good. Dear lord. Give me more of those. I don’t need the burger or bun. Gimme da bacon.
My mouth is still confused, but in a good way…I think. At first, I was like “um these flavors don’t hang out well together.” Halfway through, it all starts to work pretty well. The chocolate can be too much right in the middle, but a little mix of the chocolate taste works surprisingly well. I probably wouldn’t order it but it was a fun experiment.
Eating this burger was like a beautiful, horrible, tragic story that went like this:
1. This is a good burger.
2. Oh god, is that chocolate?
3. Actually I’m not mad at this.
4. This is pretty good!
5. This is too much.
6. I am dying.
7. I’m going to die and leave a greasy corpse covered in chocolate and peanut butter.
8. This was a mistake. Tell my family I love them.
9. Goodbye cruel world.
10. I need a nap and five gallons of water.
While initially the combination of Reese’s cups and a hamburger sounded disgusting, the first few bites of this burger were surprisingly good. The combination of sweet and savoury was a delicious one. However, by the time the burger was halfway done, I felt as though I’d just jogged 20 miles and I wanted a nap. Somehow I finished the entire thing and now I want to sleep for a million years. The burger is delicious but deadly.
[Update 20 minutes later]
I wish I were dead.
The burger is interesting, but not great. The sweet-and-savoury thing actually works for a few bites, but about halfway through, the chocolate flavour was starting to get overwhelming, and I really just wanted a plain burger. It doesn’t help that the burger itself is really, really good. If this had been a mediocre burger it would have been different, but instead I felt like they ruined an excellent burger with a completely unnecessary addition. I couldn’t even finish it because between the beef, bacon, and chocolate, it was just too rich and I needed to chug some water just to cleanse my palate.
15. 7. And one (unconfirmed, but very serious and suspicious) case of stomach sickness.
On Friday around 11 a.m., I had half of the burger against my better judgment. It’s fine, I guess, insofar as a burger with chocolate and peanut butter can possibly be. I should not have eaten half of it. I am a stupid person.
I didn’t eat anything for the rest of the day because as soon as you eat a burger for lunch, you’re going to feel bad, but when you eat a CHOCOLATE PEANUT BUTTER BURGER, you will never eat again. I got home, dolled myself up for Halloween (I was a real cute Morticia) and had a stomach ache that I assumed would pass.
I got to the bar at 10. By 10:50, I was in a cab because I had thrown up at the bar, like some dumb baby at her first frat party.
I threw up every 20 to 30 minutes until 5 a.m. My face pressed against the seat of my toilet, I raged against burger gods. Why, this punishment, for just half a burger?
Anyway, I pooped and puked my pants until Sunday night, around 7, when I stopped puking and pooping my pants. I had my first solid meal today.