Casey Anthony’s lawyer says he doesn’t know how her private video diary was obtained. My guess: it was found in a wooded area near her home.
For Rudy Giuliani’s upcoming appearance on Fallon the Roots will play Fishbone’s ‘Party at Ground Zero.’
It’s good to have a lot of natural light in your home, unless it’s the beer.
Whenever I have a date with a young lady - I ALWAYS rub one out BEFOREHAND. Because that way - I don’t have to masturbate during the date.
Just got a Christmas card from my coke dealer. Man, that was fast.
I just flew in from a thesaurus convention. And boy are my arms somniferous.
My one-night stands tend to start with booze and end with boos.
If I owned a late model Lexus I’d put a giant bow on it and park it outside of strangers houses on Christmas morning just to fuck with them.
I must be getting older. Last night I roofied a girl just for the peace and quiet. #maturity
Just learned that, “I fucked her first” is not a good way to start the best man toast at a wedding.
I probably shouldn’t refer to sex as “Gettin’ my AIDS on”
The Neo-Nazis must really feel like failures when they hear a bunch of white people calling a black man Hitler.
I bet the first guy who initiated a bar fight with “wanna dance?” received many strange looks.
I imagine Captain Morgan’s ship got lost a lot.
GF broke up with me. Said she’s “not in a place to be seeing anyone.” Now shes with a new guy. Its going to devastate him when he finds out.
I can’t believe Justin Brietbart died on his 18th birthday!
Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend’s name is Chord Overstreet. That break up song is going to write itself.
I have to shave my vagina because I’m having surgery. It’s a knee operation, but I really want to wow my doctor.
Still haven’t gotten over the fact that Pluto and Goofy are both dogs and that the babysitter showed me his penis.
Is “motherfucker” one or two words? (I’m writing a Valentine.)
This homeless guy just asked me if I was okay. I told him I was a little grumpy because I haven’t eaten in three hours.
Not saying I was a huge nerd in college, but one spring break I did head down to the library and end up on “Girls Gone Wilde.”
A doormat is just a gateway rug.
“Dress for the job you want, not the job you have” is terrible advice for someone who wants to be an astronaut.
Earth, Wind & Fire’s “September” is kind of a fuck you to Alzheimer’s patients.
I know stealing Bloody Mary garnish seems like fun, but that comes out of someone’s celery.
In Casey Anthony’s defense, they are called the terrible twos.
I’m not good with sports, but I think I just got to third down with my girlfriend.
Casey Anthony will be spending the rest of her life inside bars.
It must have been tough for Rick Santorum to father all of those kids from the closet.
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