Call the hotline set up by Reince Priebus for just this purpose.
Tear off his orange fuzzcarpet and stuff it into his mouth.
Grab his cocktail-sausage fingers and bend them backward 'til he screams for Ivanka.
Say in Spanish, "I'd cut off your Mexican thing, but it's so small I'll just use my nail file."
Recite some long words or author names. He'll get scared and bolt.
Ask him his thoughts on ISIS. He'll instantly switch his physical attack on your body to a verbal assault on your sanity.
Tell him you once dated Rosie O'Donnell.
Sing a Pussy Riot song really loud into his ear.
Inform him that you have an STD that turns people Muslim.
Yell "FREEZE! IRS!"