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    Um, "Bachelor In Paradise" Was Once Again A Shitshow And I Need A Cocktail, ASAP

    That episode added 84 years to my life.

    Happy Monday! Are you here to see the latest shenanigans from those vapid cunts on Bachelor In Paradise? You've come to the right place.

    CBS

    When they're not promoting teeth-whitening products, they're creating quite a stir in that lil' tropical paradise that is Fiji! Let's recap what went down tonight, shall we?

    Everyone's debriefing about the biggest scandal to hit the island so far: The Apollo, Simone, and Elora love triangle.

    MGM

    I don't think Apollo has fully realised he is in a love triangle yet, but Simone and Elora now hate each other because they both love Apollo. I think the three should work out some throuple agreement so everyone can just live happily ever after, and I stop getting stress wrinkles.

    Michael and Eden are both lamenting to the camera about how their time has probably come to an end, which makes me wonder: When will our time on this show come to an end? Because this four nights a week thing is really impacting my ability to catch up on all of Vanderpump Rules. And all the hot dates I get asked on. Hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa–

    Megan and Jake talk about how damn relaxing paradise is, and that "something has gotta give". This is some interesting foreshadowing to another Canadian dude, Thomas, rocking up to make paradise his bitch.

    Network Ten

    Thomas has taken hair tips from Howie from the Backstreet Boys circa 1998. Megan is instantly attracted to him. Now look, I'm no psychic BUT Megan is kissing someone in the promo that isn't Jake. Remember how we all thought it was Elora because the show was queerbaiting us? Yeah.

    Thomas pulls Megan away for a chat and Snakey Jakey starts looking stressed.

    Network Ten

    "The conversation is better with Thomas than what it is with Jake," Megan tells the camera. I think this is because Jake is usually either gossiping or grunting.

    Meanwhile, Michael is still shitting on about how he's a "sparks and fireworks" kind of guy. "Love isn't always served up on a platter," he wisely tells us.

    Network Ten

    Just like how you can build a body at the gym, but not a brain. No, wait, a heart. Whatever.

    Lisa gently lets down Michael by sitting 10 metres away from him on the couch and saying her heart belongs to Luke. Michael decides if he can't have Lisa, it's time to end his journey in paradise – because even if another girl did come in, he's just be "forcing it".

    I have a weird respect for Michael Turnbull in this moment. It almost feels as weird as being borderline in love with Uncle Sam.

    XOXO, bye Gossip Girl, we'll miss you.

    Network Ten/CW

    I'm not sorry about this. In fact, if anything I'm surprised I haven't got a promotion.

    Lisa decides it's ALSO time to get out of paradise and pack Luke up and take him with her.

    Network Ten

    This next sequence of events is very strange and doesn't make a lot of sense. Luke starts freaking out about the thought of leaving paradise, saying he normally doesn't rush things "this quickly" and is more of a "slow burner". Luke thinks they should stay in paradise for a few more days just to chill out a little more. Lisa's like "nah bitch, I'm 30, my biological clock is ticking, we need to get home and sort our lives out".

    I do not understand why Lisa can't stay an extra couple of days for a free holiday tbh. I will take your spot, Lisa. Call me.

    Luke starts crying because he's confused and feels put on the spot, and he doesn't want to leave all the free cocktails... but he does like Lisa.

    Network Ten

    It's a confusing situation. The potential to fall in love vs. free wine? I don't know what I'd choose either.

    Lisa starts packing her stuff because she came here to find a husband, and now all of a sudden she's talking about the fact she and Luke didn't work out.

    "I know I've found an incredible woman, and I don't see myself being with anybody else," Luke cries to the camera.

    WOW, THIS IS ALL WEIRD AND CONFUSING.

    Eventually, Lisa apologises for putting pressure on Luke. They both cry some more and decide to leave paradise together, Luke's balls tucked gently in Lisa's purse.

    Network Ten

    No, in all seriousness I ship these two but I now have a sad feeling in my stomach that they're not going to work out. The kinda sad feeling you have when you get home and remember you've ate all your Easter chocolate. It's just sad but nothing can be done.

    Elora gets a date card and suddenly I realised what the phrase "cat that swallowed the canary" looks like IRL.

    Network Ten

    Of course, Simone is not impressed.

    Network Ten / Via Thinkstock

    Simone takes her pent-up resentment to Wais, the unofficial island counsellor. I hope Wais got paid generously for his bar service and counselling duties on this show. I know I've seen Osher tweet before that the cast do get psychological help when needed, I just never knew it was from the bartenders.

    Elora tells Apollo she picked him for the date, because they're hugely similar. They both like to travel!

    Network Ten

    Quirky and unique interests!

    Elora asks what Apollo is looking for in paradise, and he's basically after someone "special" who he can travel with. This is such a funny coincidence because Elora loves travelling, you guys!

    Network Ten

    God, will these two ever STOP having things in common?!

    "This could be the beginning of something amazing, and now he just has to let go of Simone," Elora tells the camera, as though she's auditioning for a role in Scream 5.

    Network Ten

    Upon their return however, Apollo makes a beeline for sulky Simone who's chilling at the bar.

    Network Ten

    Wais is like, "thank fuck!"

    They both admit they missed each other while Elora shot daggers from the corner.

    Howie D, aka Thomas, struggles to find someone to go on a date with.

    Network Ten

    It actually got borderline sad to watch. I've never seen someone get so rejected since, well, any time I open a dating app.

    First he tried Megan, who although attracted to him, turned him down because she wants to see where things head with Jake.

    Next up, he tried Leah, who also turned him down due to a lack of attraction.

    Then he tried Simone, who doesn't want to let Apollo out of her sight, God forbid Elora swoops in again.

    Jarrod, who for once isn't threatened by another man, swoops in to save the day and takes Thomas on a bro date.

    Network Ten

    Basically this involved Apollo, Jarrod, Uncle Sam, and Thomas all getting into a milk bath together and, well... I mean. What more can I say? Look, it wasn't as bad as Richie and Alex's chocolate bath. That will be burned into my brain forever.

    Elora tells the girls she's found a love letter from American Jared.

    Bravo

    He gently left it on her pillow, maybe even with a spray of his cologne.

    The scene of Elora opening the letter is wildly reenacted on the show like it's a crime scene investigation on Law and Order. Shit is about to go down.

    At the rose ceremony, Ali tells American Jared his love letter to Elora was super sweet, and he's like "wtf are you talking about?"

    Network Ten

    I mean, their first sign should've been that he allegedly signed the letter "Love, American Jared", which sounds as absolutely bonkers as it is.

    Straight away Ali and Grant are convinced it was Simone. Jared seems to think Simone wouldn't do that, but he also can't figure out who the hell would prank Elora like that.

    As everyone tries to figure out who the hell wrote the letter, Megan pulls Elora aside to tell her it was a prank...

    And the culprit was... Eden?

    Network Seven

    Dude, what the actual fuck?

    Eden apparently thought it would be funny. He goes up to apologise to Elora and she ends up walking off on him which he totally deserves.

    After that he finds himself at the bar to try and get in all the last free drinks he possibly can.

    At the rose ceremony Simone gets in first to give Apollo her rose.

    Network Ten

    Leah, who I've started to forget is on this show, gives her rose to American Jared.

    Tara gives her rose to Uncle Sammy, Ali gives her rose to Grant.

    Keira gives her rose to Jarrod, and Megan gives her rose to Jake despite being wildly attracted to Thomas.

    Elora has the super hard choice between Eden and Thomas... and for reasons I can't comprehend, tells Eden she does want him to find love, and gives her rose to him.

    Tag yourself, I'm Tara.

    Me right now:

    Um. OK. Well. I guess I'll see you tomorrow night. I need to go meditate or some shit.

    Bravo

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