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    Posted on 26 Oct 2017

    Here's What Happened In The Finale Of "The Bachelorette"

    I can't believe we watched weeks of this only to see Sophie choose between Jarrod and Stu.

    Hello! Pop the champagne, we've arrived to The Bachelorette finale recap!

    Were you also curious about which douchebag Sophie was going to end up with? Let's recap the journey, shall we?

    We start with Osher standing alone on an island, talking about Sophie's journey. Unfortunately it's not the start of a documentary about Australia's best girl band Bardot.

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    But wait! Are you ok there, Osher? Is that subtle message in the sand a message from you or from Sophie?! WHAT'S GOING ON???

    We unfortunately had to sit through a montage of Sophie and her two chosen men, as though we haven't just watched the last 11 episodes.

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    "I'm crazy about both these guys," Sophie said as a man brought her a drink on her Fiji Airways flight. I assume she meant she's crazy about the flight attendant and the cocktail of choice, because surely she can't mean Jarrod or Stu.

    Jarrod stepped out onto a beach in Fiji, his voiceover declaring Sophie is the love of his life and he can't wait to start their 1950s lifestyle together.

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    Meanwhile Stu was bouncing around on a jetski trying to see if it would take him back to Australia.

    "I can't believe this is the end," Sophie lamented as she leaned against a huge tree, thinking about Apollo.

    Stu met Sophie's family first and unloaded his baggage straight away.

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    In case you forgot, his baggage is the fact he's still married and has four kids. But of course you didn't forget, he mentions it every episode!

    "I've heard you're meant to be the playboy of Sydney," Sophie's sister, Lucy, asked Stu. Way to steal my title, Stu!

    Stu pulled out his favourite audio recording of how he had been with the same woman for 15 years, and has four kids, so therefore that could possibly never make him a playboy.

    "You've had four kids with your wife, and it didn't work out, why would it be different with Sophie?," Lucy asked Stu. "That's a good question!," Stu exclaimed, as though he just realised there's meant to be a future with this woman after the show.

    Once again, Stu mentioned that he wasn't getting too emotional because he had his kids and ex to think about – which ironically hasn't stopped him from shoving his tongue down Sophie's throat numerous times, and harping on about how he's the "happiest he's been in 20 years". Kick the kids where it hurts!

    We end with Stu happily telling Sophie's family that she knows "everything about him", while Sophie gave him a quizzical look – I mean, to be fair, she really did only find out about his snipped balls a week ago.

    Jarrod met the Monks and gave them some hand-picked flowers.

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    I assume he took them from the garden in his villa, and that no one had pissed on them first.

    "Do you think you love Sophie?" Sophie's mum asked Jarrod. "I definitely love your daughter!," Jarrod exclaimed happily. He then continued to refer to Sophie as "your daughter", as though he was keeping his options open for the future – like, if Sophie dumped him, maybe her sister Lucy would be free?

    The only other interesting thing of note with Jarrod meeting the family was that I yawned five times in a row, and it actually made me cry a bit.

    When Sophie went to her family for their verdict, they were pretty stumped on who she should choose.

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    "Fuck, they picked some weirdos for ya," her dad, Andrew, said.*

    "I can't point you in the right direction," Lucy said. "Because they both suck."*

    "It's hard because you're going to spend the rest of your life with this person," Andrew pointed out. So cute! It's like the Monks have never seen this show before and realised the success rate of the couples isn't actually that high!

    *May or may not have happened.

    Sophie took Jarrod to a private island (read: sandbar) for their final date.

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    First up, Jarrod noted how stunning Sophie looked. She looked so good, he didn't even notice the helicopter behind her! And when he did notice, he didn't care, because he doesn't want to fuck the helicopter, just like how he didn't want to fuck the car last night! Sophie is all he sees!

    I don't know why this dude is hellbent on telling us Sophie always looks better than the mode of transport she arrives in, but whatever.

    Sophie, who is scared of heights, was also scared of being in the helicopter. "I love seeing Sophie out of her comfort zone," Jarrod beamed, definitely not sounding like a serial killer or anything!

    As Sophie complimented Jarrod on his caring nature, he responded with terms that would make even Shakespeare weep. "I've finally met a girl I want to give it to," he eloquently said, about both his qualities and his penis. "I'm on cloud nine right now." Haha, Jarrod you dummy, no you're not, you're on a sandbar!

    Ahhh fuck, the end is so near, you guys.

    Jarrod kept word-vomiting about how much he loved Sophie.

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    Having moved from the sandbar back to the typical couch and candles we're so used to, Jarrod really put his feelings out there. "Here's to the perfect date with the perfect girl," he said, which is ironically what I also say when I see my reflection in the microwave as I heat up a Lean Cuisine for one.

    "I want you to be able to love me as much as I love you. How much I love you now, it can only grow," Jarrod told Sophie. Haha, hope it grows better than his plant!! "I do love you, and the feeling will only get stronger and stronger," he continued. Fuck me, does this guy have an off button? Jarrod, put down the computer and step away from Googling, "what do women want to hear??". You've been lied to by Thought Catalog and Elite Daily!

    Sophie wanted Stu to go deep on their final date.

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    Get your mind out of the gutter, ya sicko.

    The two went snorkelling, to go see what other kind of fish there were in the sea for Sophie. Unfortunately it seemed like the situation was dire, so they then went back to shore to talk feelings.

    "I came here for you, that's it," Stu started, as though Sophie may have thought he'd stumbled across the set accidentally then decided to stay put in a mansion that wasn't his.

    OK then things got weird, guys. Really weird. Like I was stuck between screaming, laughing, and staring in silent shock at the TV.

    Stu told Sophie he had fallen in love with her, and then they both kept leaning their heads against each other, crying! And she looked off into the distance sadly! And he kept saying weird shit like, "It's so hard"! And I don't know if he was talking about his admission or something else! Maybe both!

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    Sometimes images speak more than words.


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    Sorry, I'm just having a break to drink a bottle of wine, BRB.


    OK. I'm back. As it turned out, Sophie HAS fallen in love with someone, so I guess she didn't write the "help me" message in the sand, and it was indeed Osher.

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    Well... Jarrod was the first out, and we all knew what that meant.

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    Even after the countless offers of giving Sophie his heart on a platter, it just wasn't enough. As Sophie gently tried to let him down, he ripped into his own chest and flung out his still beating heart. "LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO, SOPHIE!," he screamed, before collapsing into a bloody heap on the sand.

    OK, it didn't exactly go down like that. I actually did feel really bad for him, and his poor earnest face thinking he'd be the one. #PutYourPlantOut for Jarrod tonight, folks.

    Sophie then told Stu she loved him.

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    "SOUNDS FAAAAAKE," I heard you shout! Oh wait, maybe that was just me. Anyway. I truly hope they are happy together, I do. I just can't help but think the ending could've been better if Sophie just chose... herself.

    Anyway. That's a wrap for Bachelor / Bachelorette 2017. Thanks for joining me on this wild ride!


    Oh, and what's next for me? Thanks so much for asking. I'm going to go get really drunk and piss in a pot plant.

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