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Here's What Happened On "The Bachelor", Episode 6

God, we're only six episodes in?

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Welcome back. Remember how last night Channel 10 savagely ended the episode on a cliffhanger and annoyed all of Australia?

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It may be forgiven, but it's not forgotten. Let's dive into what the fuck went down.

It turns out THAT WHOLE SCENE was... not really that dramatic after all.

Jive / Network 10

TL;DR – Matty took Sian outside, told her it wasn't really working out, she thanked him for setting her free, finally unchained herself from the producers, and stumbled off into the bushes never to be seen again.

Matty then reentered the rose ceremony, and pulled the girls into a huddle, giving a passionate speech about how he's not a "puppet". Apparently NO ONE is telling him what to do, (somewhere behind a tree, his sister smirked), and if a girl receives a rose it's because it's "his decision". This sounds a bit like fake news to me, because Leah and Jen are still on the show, but sure. OK Not-Puppet-Matty. Guess we won't see you dancing on trains to "Bye, Bye, Bye" anytime soon.

Finally, the producers gave us what we really wanted. Queen Tara got the SINGLE DATE!

Network 10

Praaaaaaise the Lord, Jesus Christ, I have been praying for this moment.

Matty picked Tara up on a tandem bicycle, at which she flipped the fuck out. Apparently she hadn't ridden a bike in years and started screaming like she was on a rollercoaster as they cycled on a... rather flat path. Honestly, I would literally watch a whole show dedicated to Tara riding a bike, because it's at least 10 times more entertaining than any drama that's gone down at the cocktail parties so far.

The two then entered a kitchen where they were tasked with making their own pasta. Honestly, it's like someone just offered Tara a million bucks and Matty naked on a platter. She was SO DAMN EXCITED. Whatever happy pills that girl is on, good lord I want some.

Unfortunately Matt Preston didn't show up to review their skills, nor was George Calombaris bouncing on his feet, smacking his lips together, and yelling things like "30! Seconds! Left!". But maybe next time.

Tara made the discovery that Matty actually has a great butt.

Network 10

The best part about this whole date was how forward Tara was with Matty, and watching him squirm and blush. Tara pretended to act out the pottery scene from Ghost while Matty just looked so confused, and when she complimented his arse his face basically matched the tomatoes surrounding them. "Yeah, but if a GUY complimented a GIRL'S arse, it'd be SEXIST BuzzFEED," I hear a man screaming somewhere in the background. Whatever pal, just click the the red "x" at the top of your browser now... why are you even reading this?

Tara and Matty spend some alone time together and, spoiler, they mack on.

Network 10

As the show tends to go, you can have your fun, but don't have TOO MUCH fun, because shit needs to get serious. Tara got in first about whether Matty wants kids in the future, and his hopeful eyes lit up as he finally had a platform to express his need of wanting to be a dad one day. He's not as young as he used to be, and he's heard the rumours that over the age of 35 his ovaries might start to shrivel up and die, so he's ready.

Tara shared the fact that she broke up with her ex because he couldn't handle her energetic personality, and apparently she likes jumping around during movies and TV shows. As they got into a deeper conversation, she admitted to being worried that Matty might've not been into her. As she kept fumbling over her words and self-doubt, Matty delivered the BEST KISS so far this season. Give it a Logie! Stop the show here! Georgia 2.0 who?

The group date: The one where the producers exploited Simone's fear of heights for dramatic TV.

Network 10

Who doesn't love showing bae you're a real woman by jumping out of a plane? Oh wait, me.

Weirdly, this show isn't about me, but I have to say I had A LOT of sympathy for Simone on this one. The girl was HYSTERICAL, and obviously had a real fear of flying and/or heights. Unfortunately it looked like she skipped her Valium before the group date, because even before boarding the tiny plane she was on the verge of a panic attack. This was made even worst when the troll of a pilot decided it'd be fun to throw a few nose-dives in. While the other girls screamed with delight, the producers rubbed their hands together at this special brand of psychological torture they had inflicted on poor Simone. The poor girl was sobbing at the same rate I do after drinking too much white wine and settling on the conclusion my life is a giant mess.

But, in a plot twist we literally all saw coming, she gathered herself together and JUMPED out of that plane, winning one-on-one time with Matty. They seemed to have a nice enough time. I mean I assume they did... while they laughed on their date, and Matty did charming impressions of Simone's scared face, I was otherwise distracted. "Why?" you ask. Thank you so much for asking, let me talk to you about this. Why the fuck does everyone who jumps out of a plane, excessively yell "YEWWWW" in the ears of their instructors on the way down? Is this an Aussie thing? Or does everyone feel the need to just keep doing it until they hit the ground? Someone tell me, coz this bitch ain't jumping out of a plane anytime soon.

It's all nice, we're having a lovely time, and Elise comes up with an elaborate plan to get Matty's attention at the cocktail party.

Network 10

Fed up with Matty just gravitating to Georgia 2.0 and Flo-Rida, Elise decided to take matters into her own hands. She set up a fishing game, so Matty could realise what a catch she is! Get it? Get it? No, don't worry, she didn't dress herself up as bait and make Matty catch her. Instead, Elise stuck mementos in the floating roses in the pool, and Matty had to fish them out. There's nothing quite like loud, boisterous laughs at the image of Elise dressed in Mexican gear at Christmas time while your bae's other girls watch from across the bridge.

The final fishing trophy was an image of wine and cheese, a very subtle hint that Elise would like to go on a date with Matty, rather than just drinking wine until 3am at a cocktail party from hell.

But nice things don't last forever.

That's why there's no such thing as a packet of Tim Tams that never runs out. My whole childhood was a lie.

Matty and Steph (lmao who?) were off having a private chat, and police officer Michelle was getting a liiiiittle worried because she hadn't talked to him since that time he made them play a board game and she ended up in "jail". With Jen and Sharlene's encouragement, Michelle decided to go interrupt the chat so she could ask Matty how he's doin', and tell him her ovaries were functioning very well.

As she started to make her way, she was held up by Georgia 2.0, Elora, and Simone, who were on Matty patrol. Sharlene (the one with the dark hair who sometimes does commentary and who literally never seems to have any dates or time with Matty), decided this was not on and went in to support Michelle's cause. "This isn't a Ticketek queue," she rightfully pointed out. However Georgia 2.0 was very adamant there IS an order thank you very much, and no one could jump the line in order to get the Gold Class seats. "I do think there becomes an order," Georgia 2.0 stated like we didn't hear her the first time, and as though they were now in the queue for limited seats at a Beyoncé concert. As the girls argued amongst themselves, Jen took her opportunity to swoop in and go grab the man himself, in perhaps the funniest move she's done all season.

Time for another white girl to get eliminated. :( :( :(

I was kinda hoping for a savage three-girl drop (my new single, coming this September), but alas Matty only decided to say goodbye to one. Au revoir Nat, we'll miss you, your laugh, and your farts.

Next week: Omg you guys, Matty's sister is tired of lurking behind the bushes and forces her way into the mansion.

Network 10

I can't fucking wait, I love this woman, I hope she comes to all the cocktail parties from now on.

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