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    Posted on 25 Oct 2017

    Here's What Went Down On Episode 11 Of "The Bachelorette"

    Sophie, please, don't choose any of these men.

    Hi, me again! I know, I'm like that annoying door knocker who hasn't got the cue to leave yet, and is still harping on about Jesus.


    But my Jesus is actually Sophie Monk! And we're here to recap the second-last episode of The Bachelorette for the year! I'm using exclamation marks because it's nearly over!!

    We're at the episode where Sophie has long, deep thoughts while looking at the ocean, as though a trio of dolphins are going to jump out and say, "Pick none of these trash men, Sophie! You can do better!"

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    Unfortunately, this didn't happen so instead she contemplates if Jarrod, Stu, or Apollo would be a better match for her.

    Let's run through each date, shall we?

    Date number one: Jarrod

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    We get a flashback to last week, where Jarrod admitted his love for Sophie by using the romantic phrase, "I've come to the conclusion that I've fallen in love with you". Such a cute sounding business deal!

    "Last time I saw Jarrod, he said he was falling in love with me," Sophie said, optimistically hoping we won't pick up on the fact that she's tweaked the phrasing slightly, as though Jarrod wasn't balls-deep in love yet. "He's the first one to say that!" Sophie exclaimed. Ugh, yeah, it's called a WARNING SIGN. It's been seven weeks! Don't run that red light!

    Anyway, the two decided to go on some sort of car-racing experience where they made a bet. If Jarrod lost, he had to do some dance/nudie run type thing in his underwear, and if Sophie lost, she had to be Jarrod's slave for the day. The catch? Jarrod had to race five laps vs. Sophie's two. I'd say clever, but also I really didn't want to see Jarrod dancing in his underwear. Just let the poor dude win this please, Sophie.

    As it turned out Sophie did win, but they switched up the rules, so Jarrod ended up being Sophie's servant for the day. He relished this role. You can tell that even when he ultimately loses the competition for Sophie's heart, he may still offer to be her butler in the rare case she'll change her mind and fall in love with him.

    Jarrod asked Sophie how she felt when he told her he was in love with her. Her immediate reaction was tearing up. While it looked sweet, I can only imagine it was the result of the guilt eating her up inside, knowing this poor guy isn't going to win this thing.

    If I'm wrong, and he does actually win, I'll do my own underwear dance near a racetrack.

    Date number two: Stu

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    "I'm searching for happiness," Stu said, as he searched the expansive Sydney harbour as though he had just spotted a new yacht that just HAD to be his. "Oh, and yes, I'm here for Sophie," he probably said as an afterthought when the producers asked him to please pay attention this time, and stop looking for more things to spend his fortune on.

    "Even though Stu came in later, it doesn't feel that way at all!" Sophie exclaimed. Probably because you guys actually knew each other before the show. Just sayin'.

    Sophie took Stu to the aquarium to play with a Dugong. "They are the fattest, ugliest, cutest things I've ever seen," Sophie exclaimed. Wow, Sophie, @ me next time.

    After having a play with the Dugong, the two sat down surrounded by excessive lights and candles, to talk feelings. They covered a bunch of romantic topics, like when they think Stu might actually get divorced.

    "I've been engaged, but I didn't trust them enough to follow through," Sophie said. DRAG THAT MADDEN TWIN! Whichever one it was! To me they're just the same person!

    Sophie, once again, asked Stu if he wanted to have more kids. "I loved being married and having kids," an automated recording said from Stu's phone. "With the right person, I'd do it again."

    Stu then told Sophie he sees them as best friends, who have affection for each other. I thought older men were meant to be better at expressing their feelings? If this has been a lie my entire life, then it looks like my dating life will end at 27. Lmao kidding, it's never actually started.

    "I understand Stu is guarded because he wants to protect his kids," Sophie said in a voiceover, as Stu shoved his tongue down her throat. Mate, the real thing they need protecting from is that footage. Goddamn.

    Date number three: Apollo

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    Sophie pulled up to meet Apollo in a horse-drawn carriage and he looked like Christmas had just hit. Man, I want to bottle up Apollo's enthusiasm for everything and sell it at the weekend markets for a tidy little profit.

    They then got dressed up to go to the opera. And by that I mean they went to an outdoor amphitheatre in the Blue Mountains where four classically trained musicians were forced to play them some music. But don't get me wrong, it was actually super beautiful and romantic. Sophie cried during the opera, the same way I cry when I hear the "G" note on the piano and realise My Chemical Romance are never getting back together. Apollo, however, had no idea Sophie had teared up until it was too late... and she had started to feel like they were physically there, but not emotionally connected over the experience.

    As the two then moved to candles and champagne time, Sophie asked Apollo what was next for him in terms of his career. Duh, Sophie, we all know his single "Addiction" is coming to an iTunes store near you soon!

    "In the next four to six years, I can see myself getting married," Apollo said, while Sophie's eyes screamed a message about women's fertility declining after the age of 35.

    The two then sat awkwardly on the lounge, completely silent. Like, I was feeling awkward in my own living room, and this shit was filmed months ago. To relieve the tension, Apollo offered Sophie a breadstick, which she declined. He responded by crunching away. Another first, you guys! This season we've finally seen people eat on this show, and now we've heard it too!

    The date did not end with a kiss. Goodbye, Apollo. See you when "Addiction" comes out.

    Well, we all knew what was going to happen in the rose ceremony.

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    "There's still three guys standing," Jarrod pointed out. "And I will fight them to the death," he also said, violently swinging around a machete*.

    "I've been hiding my feelings a bit... it's been tough because of my kids," Stu said in his voiceover. I hope Stu's kids have a real go at him about blaming them for everything when this thing is all over.

    And Apollo? Well, he just knew he fucked up.

    *May or may not have happened.

    We said goodbye to Apollo!

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    Sophie gave Apollo a very lovely speech about how special and talented he is, and how she wants him to take over the world. Then they both cried! Then all of a sudden I was crying, all over my boyfriend! But I don't have a boyfriend, only a pillow with a smiley face drawn on it, called Greg!!!!

    Tomorrow night: It's the finale, duh, pay attention.

    See you then!

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