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We Watched Episode 3 Of "First Dates" Australia And Had A Lot Of Thoughts

"What are Sydney rock oysters? Do they trash hotel rooms?"

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1. Here we GO. First date starting and Mikaela is so cute.

2. Though she says she wishes she was born in the olden days.

3. Do you want cholera, Mikaela? Because that's how you get cholera.

4. I wish I lived in the olden times when men were real men, and they drove uncovered wagons.

5. Mikaela lets us know that guys her age are only in it for one thing, which is so shocking because I thought most teen guys just liked to sit and talk about their feelings.

6. Also how much of a romantic can she REALLY be if she's 18?

7. Meanwhile, Cam the barman is such a tall glass of water.

8. I'd order one.

9. Luke is surely going to wow Mikaela with that dad sense of humor.

10. I love that when she's asked what drink she wants, she says, "Is there anything fancy?"

11. A cosmopolitan is not a fancy drink.

12. But it is a really great way to get drunk while managing a UTI.

13. Thanks, cranberry juice!

14. I've never seen someone looked so amazed at the other person being a butcher. "OH WOW".

15. Much like Luke, I too have a passion for meat.

16. Heh heh heh.

17. I love that she's like "Lol no oysters, chicken schnitty please!"

18. If I was forced to eat an oyster on the first date I would not be going back for seconds. For both the oyster and the dude.

19. Wow did he really just say, "You put it in your mouth and you just swallow"?

20. Heh. Heh. Heh.

21. Except Luke seems like a really nice guy.

22. Her face trying oysters is my face watching her try oysters.

23. Omg she's never had red wine before either.

24. "I've never been indoors before. I've never even sat on a chair before." - Mikaela, probably.

25. Then again at 18, I was all about Passion Pop and goon (yes, sometimes together), not red wine.

26. Oh. Mikaela got broken up with on Valentine's Day via text. That's honestly the most teen thing I've ever heard. I wonder if teens use Snapchat now to break up also??

27. GIRL, just go out and have your flings, live your life! You don't need to settle down at 18!

28. Oh no, she wants kids early. You do you I guess.

29. These two are super cute though I really want them to work out.

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30. It's raining in Sydney, shock me. Time for date number two.

31. Here's Lani! She's... a professional flirt?

32. So… she gets paid to flirt?

33. Because that's what professional means.

34. Cam the bartender literally compliments everyone but Lani almost jumped over that bar.

35. "What do you like about me?" OMG DON'T ASK SOMEONE THAT AFTER THEY PAY YOU A COMPLIMENT.

36. I can't. I feel anxious. This date is going to stress me out.

37. Girl wait for your date, leave the bartender alone.

38. She really wasn't joking about being a profesh flirt.

39. Layton is hot tho.

40. Better Layton than never as I always say.

41. "I'm passionate about life and living." That's so deep Layton.

42. I mean I'm passionate about Menulog and trashy reality TV shows and that's how I found myself here.

43. I'm passionate about laying really still in the bath while remembering all the embarrassing things I did as a teenager and crying. That's what I call living.

44. Layton just described his perfect woman as Alicia Silverstone in Clueless because she's "smart and driven".

45. I'm guessing Layton has never seen Clueless.

46. Layton asked Lani what she did for a living and she just replied, "Let's change the subject."

47. Remember who else refused to answer a single simple question? CREEPY CHRIS FROM EPISODE ONE.

48. "It's important to not put everything out there," says Lani, who laughs at everything Layton says and touches him seductively on first greeting.

49. Lani is the kind of girl you'd take to meet your friends or parents and she'd try and hit on your dad.

50. "We were just telling each other naughty secrets!"

51. I FEEL SO UNCOMFORTABLE.

52. This girl is TOO MUCH for a first date.

53. I'm having 100 panic attacks and this date isn't even over yet.

54. Sometimes I lean over to my boyfriend and tell him naughty things too.

55. E.g. "When you were out today, I sat on the lounge watching KUWTK and ate a whole family size packet of chips to myself. I'm so naughty."

56. Why have they put a napkin over their heads?

57. Did they forget that this is not only being filmed but also occurs in public where other adults can see them?

58. "It's all about the package." Well Lani, you're not wrong.

59. I hope he says no to her.

60. OK they're going to bang and then never see each other again.

61. God I hope Layton is safe.

62. That was too stressful.

63. I literally have nothing to say about date three.

64. Paul sounds like every olde timey mobster from the UK.

65. I love it.

66. He looks like he should have a gold tooth.

67. But the only thing I've understood him say so far is: "didn't 'ave the internet, govna."

68. "I'm definitely a boob man." OH NO!!! HE IS A MAN MADE OF BOOBS!!!

69. Coincidentally, Sharon identified herself as having boobs.

70. She also said she likes bald men.

71. I am no detective but from what I've seen so far, PAUL IS A BALD BOOB MAN!!!

72. Match made in heaven.

73. Sharon's perfect man is a mix of "Vin Diesel and George Calombaris".

74. So what she's saying is she wants someone to get fast and furious in her mystery box.

75. Sharon just noticed Paul's accent.

76. "Allo allo allo, wat's all dis about me 'avin an accent, govna?"

77. Ugh please don't tell him about your love for bald men.

78. Ugh she just told him about her love for bald men.

79. "It's nice to rub a bald head." IS IT THOUGH??? IS IT???

80. YEP. She did it. She stroked his bald head.

81. I had no idea people in their 50s were so goddamn horny.

82. YAS THIS IS WHAT I CAME HERE FOR. DATE FOUR. STEPHANIE IS BACK.

83. STEPH-A-NIE! STEPH-A-NIE!

84. I thought it showed Stephanie and what's-his-face walking off to karaoke last time.

85. WE DON'T FORGET FIRST DATES!

86. YOU STAGED THEM! YOU SNEAKY BASTARDS.

87. OMG this girl and her bread though.

88. I love that she is OBSESSED with the oil and salt being on the table.

89. Tbh I'm with you Stephanie, I never totally got the bread / oil / salt thing either.

90. Like can we just eat bread by itself? It's still delicious.

91. What's wrong with some good old-fashioned garlic bread?

92. "What are Sydney rock oysters… do they trash hotel rooms?"

93. Stephanie I swear to god you need a spin-off show.

94. First Dates with Steph.

95. Her date doesn't seem like as much of a ~BAD BOY~ as they suggested when he walked in.

96. He seems sweet.

97. They get along really well.

98. I just want Steph to be happy because I love her.

99. Also I feel like we're getting a lot more of the actual real Stephanie this ep which is nice.

100. Because she's not only fucking hilarious but she's also a legend.

101. OK I secretly hope they both want a second date because I want to believe in love.

102. WHAT?!

103. STEPH SAID NO.

104. I mean good for her, there's no reason to go on a second date just for the sake of it.

105. Oh no she's getting upset.

106. Please don't get upset Steph, we'd all date you.

107. Steph for president.

108. Anyway I guess her date was nice.

109. IDK.

110. Last date of the night, Kate and Griff.

111. Kate seems nice.

112. "I couldn't date someone who was dry"... lol same.

113. Oh god our first sob story, I wasn't prepared for that.

114. I came to this show for the lols I don't want to have to confront my feelings.

115. I hate feelings. Unless I'm thinking about them while lying in the bath crying.

116. Griff looks like he's in a really bad pop-punk band and is playing at a dweeby high school prom.

117. And he looks like he's wearing one of the tuxes from Dumb and Dumber.

118. Oh he's so nervous. CUTE!

119. He was a hairdresser for a bit?? But he literally has the worst haircut I've ever seen??

120. I can't deal with the lack of excitement on this date.

121. Although Griff has some incredible jokes.

122. These two seem to get along REALLY WELL.

123. BUT I HAVE A SNEAKING SUSPICION that it's going to end very platonically.

124. Like all my dates.

125. And by dates I mean standing too close to handsome men at post offices.

126. And by platonically I mean restraining orders.

127. OH SNAP. Okay I think Griff was a little more keen than Kate was here.

128. But good cover bro on the whole, "yeah same!!"

129. Imagine being the first to speak up like, "I'd really like a second date."

130. And then they're like "not for me thanks."

131. I'd just be like "HAHAH FOOLED YOU! Neither! I'd hate a second date, OK, show's over bye."

132. Ohhhhh Kate's coming back next week. I'm in.

133. But TBH we just need a Stephanie spin-off show please.

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