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    Here's What Happened On "Married At First Sight" If You Accidentally Happened To Miss It

    Jonesy! Jonesy! Look at me Jonesy! Over here Jonesy!

    Oops! Did you accidentally miss Married At First Sight, or for some reason, want to desperately relive all the drama? Luckily, you've come to the right place.

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    Pour a drink, it's 5pm somewhere. Let's talk it out.

    Sunday: Should they stay or should they leave?

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    Sunday's episode was all about the couples meeting up with the psychologists who ruined their lives. The psychologists talked to the couples one-on-one, in a quick therapy session – that's if you did your therapy with 10 other married couples in the room – and we got into the lows and highs of each relationship. The couples then wrote on a piece of paper if they want to stay or leave, to decide the fate of their marriage. However here's the catch: If one partner wanted to leave, but the other wrote down “stay” they have to slog it out for another week. Because there’s nothing like literally being trapped in a “marriage” to make you believe in true luuuurve.

    Nine Network
    Nine Network

    Here’s a basic rundown of how each couple went, in no particular order:

    Anthony and Nadia: Remember how Anthony was the endearing groom who looked so stoked to see Nadia walk down the aisle? Turns out Anthony's not that endearing after all. Talking about their marriage, Anthony was all "I'm just trying to steer this ship and as far as I'm concerned, Nadia is MINE". Meanwhile Nadia's face said it all, "Help me!" her eyes screamed at the psychologists, while her mouth said, “I really like hearing that". What kind of damn psychologists are you?! Help the poor woman out! They both decided to stay in the marriage. But Nadia’s eyes didn’t want to! Nadia, blink twice in next week’s commitment ceremony if you need help.

    Sharon and Nick: Sharon was still annoyed Nick had consumed so much red wine at the first dinner party. Nick was all gooey-eyed like, “but babes you looked after me so well,” and Shazza was like “I’m not fucken doing that again”. They both decided to stay.

    Susan and Sean: They’re perfect. Of course they decided to stay.

    Alene and Simon: Alene still doesn’t love the hair. Simon doesn’t give a fuck, coz he loves his hair. Alene and Simon's hair decided to stay.

    Michelle and Jesse: Jesse was busy giving Michelle puppy dog eyes, while she passive aggressively drew out her decision, making sure to prelude it with, "After a LOT of thought, I've decided to stay". Jesse, still in his schoolboy infatuation, didn't seem to realise that was a dig.

    Andrew and Vanessa: Vanessa babbled about being extroverted while Andrew smiled nervously and clamped his jaw shut tighter. They both decided to stay.

    John and Debbie: I mean it’s obvious right? These two can’t stand each other. John was like, “get me away from this gluten-free, crazy Polynesian-obsessed broad” and Deb, for some UNFATHOMABLE reason, was like “I want to stay and work at this”. DEBBIE. Run! Be free! Go seek your Polynesian!

    Scarlett and Michael: Both opted to leave which was the one decision of the night that made the most sense. Michael decided to call the psychologist out on their quack method, and asked why they matched him with Scarlett. Psychologist John came out with some profound methodology: "It's not about what you want, but what you NEED," he earnestly told Michael. "What do I need?” Michael spat back. “It’s about your NEEDS," John cooed. Glad we sorted that one out.

    Jonathan and Cheryl: We opened the episode with Jonathan talking about someone he texted the night before, pondering why they weren’t matched with him. “We’d have been cute as shit,” he poetically muttered. Cheryl found out about the exchange and she was FUMING. Who was the girl though!? Lol jk we all knew it was Scarlett. Cheryl, who had never felt so betrayed (and I daresay repalled) wanted to leave, while Jonathan for some psychotic reason wrote down “stay”. Cheryl was not having a bar of that however, and bailed the fuck out of there.

    Monday: Moving in, surprise haircuts, and a match we NEVER saw coming (we did though, but that's fine.)

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    Monday's episode saw the couples getting to know each other on a deeper level. Like the Bible says, if thou really wants to learn more about thou's partner, move in with them and get to know their grotty habits. Or something.

    John, resigned to the fact he'll never be a Polynesian, decided to write Debbie a note, explaining that he was leaving her. We couldn't read the whole thing but I think it went something like this:

    "Dear Deb, I hate your stinking guts. You make me vomit. You're the scuuuum between my toes. Love, John".

    Debbie was pleased he decided to say goodbye through the heartfelt letter, packed her bags, and walked out the door in search for some gluten-free cake and a beefy Samoan man to sweep her off her feet.

    Michelle and Sharon went out for a pampering session, where they both talked about their husbands' respective problems. Sharon was still harping on about Nick drinking too much at the last dinner party, as though she's never been hungover in her life. Michelle really put things into perspective however, when she talked about still having no real spark with Jesse, and confessed he took a shit in front of her. As in, she was in the bathroom, doing her makeup, and he came in, dropped his pants, and went about his business. That's the most reasonable grounds for "irreconcilable differences" that I've ever heard of.

    Anthony started having a go at Nadia about her lack of direction. FYI, Nadia never said or hinted that she had a lack of direction, but Anthony just took it upon himself to grill her about it while they got their haircut together. As though to make some weird, dominant point, he then kissed Nadia goodbye with a manly “I need to go get some work done”, while Nadia politely asked the hairdresser to stab her with a pair of scissors and make it seem like an accident.

    Nadia and Alene were both awarded “surrender dates”. Unfortunately, they couldn’t surrender out of the experiment. Instead, they were able to plan dates of their choosing, and their partner wasn’t allowed to say no to ANY of it. “Wanna go on a surrender date?” I asked my boyfriend while watching it all unfold. “Wanna break up?” he said back. Hilarious guy that one. Wait, you weren’t serious were you? Why aren’t you writing back to my texts? Fuck.

    The most important reveal of this episode was Simon with a brand spankin’ new haircut. Alene finally got her way, made him see the light, and got that monstrosity chopped. And the dude looked gooooood! Alene was fucking stoked, and all schoolgirlish around the new look Simon. Unfortunately Simon looked like he needed some time to grieve his curls, and didn’t want a bar of her fawning over him.

    Nine Network
    Nine Network

    Let's hit the fast-forward button to the most ridiculous part of the episode. Cheryl returned to chat to psychologist John about a potential match. "I think Andrew and I are well suited," she said. John was like, "Ahh interesting, well I never thought about it, but now that I think about it, this makes PERFECT sense! I ENDORSE IT!" he yelled, as though the match of Andrew and Cheryl was going to save the world from all evil.

    "I never thought I'd be married, then divorced, then going on a date so quickly," Cheryl said on her way to the date. What a sentiment. Andrew and Cheryl seemed to connect and talked a lot about being on the "same page" and having a lot in common, which I assume to mean newly "single" and coming out of sham marriages. Well, at least they understand that part of each other's lives.

    Tuesday: "Jonesy! It's Jonesy! Jonesy's back! Hey Jonesy!"

    Nine Network
    Nine Network

    I had barely recovered from the last dinner party when all of a sudden it was time for another one.

    The couples got together for a casual drink before dinner, but everyone was kinda suspecting something was going down. Cut to dinner, and enter Andrew (hereby known as Jonesy) and Cheryl, the newly-formed couple.

    Well... Shit. Went. Down.

    Everyone was thrilled to see Jonesy back. As in, they said his name approximately 1369 times in excitement. The twins led the charge, shrieking "JONESSSSYYY" in his face at every given opportunity. "Jonesy is a very good friend of ours," one of the twins said, conveniently forgetting last week all three of them blanked on how they all knew each other.

    While Jonesy received a warm welcome back, poor Cheryl was left to defend herself. "We just had a good connection! We both got the 'Salt and Pepa's' here joke!" Anthony, however, took it upon himself to grill her about her intentions. "Cheryl doesn't deserve a second chance," he viciously told the camera. Anthony seemed to be under some misguided thought that this is a competition he needs to win, and Cheryl had effectively cheated. He even referenced his marriage as a competition to which Nadia replied with more "help me" eyes to the camera.

    The twins, under the impression that Jonesy is now their long-lost triplet, just wanted him to know they were protective of him and his feelings.
    Jonesy was all like "oi, stop cock-blocking me", and the twins grudgingly agreed to give Cheryl a chance. "We just want Jonesy to be happy, Jonesy deserves to be happy, Jonesy is a great guy, I think Jonesy was even in the womb with us at some stage," they said.

    Sharon decided to let Jonesy off her leash long enough to find out her new husband used to like frequenting strip clubs. "I think Nick saw a different side of me," Sharon told the camera, commenting on her honesty approach to this situation, and not realising she came across like an angry drunk teenager. "You enjoy looking at naked chicks with their fannies and tits in front of you?” Sharon seethed, like totally cool with it, not that mad, just trying to be honest. Sharon seemed to conveniently forget that Nick's biggest pet peeve is cheaters, so her anger seems somewhat misplaced. "I'm married now, I have a wife, I wouldn't..." he desperately tried to explain, as she aggressively twisted her body away from him. And to think Sharon had the shits with Nick last week for drinking too much. ☺️

    Meanwhile Anthony... well he was still going in on Cheryl. Because nothing screams "I'm secure in myself and my own relationship!!!" like a 33-year-old man, aggressively yelling at a 25-year-old woman. "You have to get it right. You'll look like a fucking idiot if you get it wrong," Anthony says, conveniently ignoring the fact he's the one that looks like a fucking idiot right now. "I do NOT want drama," Sharon yelled, inserting herself in the middle of it, and also forgetting she was literally having a fight with her husband five minutes ago in front of everyone. Nadia eventually pulled Anthony into line. "This isn't your journey," she said to him while he looked like a remorseful schoolboy. "I'll just crawl into the box I came out of," Anthony said. And all around the Australia, people vehemently nodded, as truer words had never been spoken.

    Next week: Another commitment ceremony, and take a shot every time someone screams Jonesy.

    Nine Network

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