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    If You Couldn't Be Arsed Watching "Bachelor In Paradise" Here's What Went Down

    Flo really doesn't care about Jake. In fact, she thinks it's funny that YOU think she even cares about Jake!

    Hi, me again. Much like the Lord, I rose from the dead this long weekend... but only to bring you the latest recap from Episode 3 of Bachelor In Paradise.

    Twitter: @LurkingJesus

    Please lock me back in my tomb after this.

    We open with Keira reading out tarot cards to Uncle Sam. Because he's "spiritual" Michael also decided to get in on this action.

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    Ugh, BRB. I am trying to slap the side of my head so that my rolled eyes which are now stuck in my brain settle back down into their rightful place.

    But! Speaking of cards – Keira has a DATE card. Michael's tarot cards didn't foresee he'd be the man of choice, so Keira whisked him off before he fully realised what was going on. Meanwhile, Tara said "they're soooo cuuuuute!", while aggressively twirling a straw in her drink.

    Elsewhere, Flo is ranting and raving about giving Jake a rose.

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    See, the thing is when he was after a rose he followed her around like a puppy dog and gave her plenty of attention. Now he has his rose, he's dropped her like a hot potato. You're a smart cookie, so I bet you know where I'm going with this. Yep, it's just like when you meet someone, hit it off, give up the goods, they don't call you back, and then just constantly leave you on read.

    You best believe I'm never giving out my free Spotify premium codes ever again.

    Michael can't remember who he's going on a date with.

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    He went to say Tara instead of Keira. We're off to a cracking start.

    The two go horse riding and when Keira tries to hold hands, Michael conveniently drops it saying it's a two hand job. The horse riding. I think.

    The last time I saw this amount of chemistry was when I watched Sophie and Stu. Which leads us to...

    Jarrod, who has been walking the slowest, longest loop around Fiji for months, bounces through the doors of paradise.

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    He promises a whole new Jarrod this season. For example, he now has stubble and while he won't grow a full beard, he'll at least trim it.

    This is not my artistic license coming out to play. He legit said this.

    Jarrod also has a date card. "Whoever Jarrod gives his date card to, better run for cover!" Flo screams at the camera.

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    Yes Flo, because you have absolutely been completely normal, cool, calm and collected this whole time.

    Jarrod grabs Laurina for a chat, which gets Blake's little panties in a twist, but he has some fighting words. "I know Laurina’s type and it's not tall and blonde… it’s tall, dark, and handsome," Blake smugly says.

    Wow, I hope for Laurina's sake she meets someone tall, dark, and handsome soon!

    Meanwhile, on Michael and Keira's date:

    Enter stage right, Ali, a Bachelor original!

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    Forget Sophie and pot plants... Jarrod had a whole new thing sprouting when Ali walked through the doors.

    While Ali reminisces about being known as the Stage 5 Clinger in Season 1 of The Bachelor, she said she’s happy to be that person again if the series needs it. Meanwhile, as he salivates to the camera, Jarrod calls Ali "God's gift", so I think the title of the series clinger is safe from her this time around.

    As Jake introduces himself to Ali, Flo is giving some on-camera commentary about how Ali's face "doesn't really move". Flo, sweetie, this series is not looking good on you.

    The surprises aren't over yet! Megan (Richie's season) enters paradise. ICYMI, Megan rejected Richie at a rose ceremony and went on to date Tiffany (also from Richie's season).

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    Megan is most excited to meet Jake or Elora in paradise. "You get SO many options," Osher excitedly bellows, as if we haven't figured out Megan is bi yet.

    Megan gets a date card before even entering paradise, and has to choose from a menu of personality traits to see which lucky person gets the date.

    Sorry to divert from this, but if any of my future dates are reading this here are the personality traits I'm into: Wine.

    In a very convenient twist, Megan picks Jake off the menu.

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    The only thing blind about this date is the fact Jake thought one of his personality traits was being "genuine".

    Jarrod and Mack have a passive-aggressive standoff over Ali.

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    Jarrod got to Ali first, but before they really got to know each other, Mack swoops in. "It's McLachlan, isn't it?" Jarrod asks Mack in perhaps the bitchiest burn we've seen so far this season. Mack goes so gooey-eyed over Ali, that even Jarrod has to get up and leave.

    Then Mack drops the most annoying line a guy can ever say to a girl.

    "Why the hell are you still single?!" he asked, all astounded. "Because I don't want to settle for dickheads who ask stupid questions," Ali said*, before flouncing off the island.

    *OK, she didn't say that. I just started to rewrite this show in my head for the sake of my own sanity.

    Meanwhile: Uncle Sam and Tara continue to stroke each other's egos with OTT laughing, Michael and Keira return from their boring date, and Keira is stoked to find out Jarrod has made it to paradise.

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    Apparently they've slid into each other's Instagram DMs before. Honestly, the modern world of romance is wild. Back in my day all you ever did was sign in and out of MSN to get the attention of someone, and even that didn't work for me.

    Jarrod's hit ultimate stress-head mode after hitting it off with Keira... so he's now basically concerned he's in a "love triangle" with Ali and Keira. Slow down, tiger!

    On Megan and Jake's blind date, we find out they've conveniently met before and kept in touch.

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    Seems to be a classic Jake move! Megan calls out Jake straight away predicting he’s already found himself in some drama, and he mutters something into his champagne glass about Flo and Davey. "Don't bring me into this mess," the champagne glass mutters back.

    Michael takes Tara off for a chat as he's worried she's been a bit "standoffish" ever since his date with Keira.

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    Tara either really doesn't give a shit, or is fantastic at acting like she really doesn't give a shit. She tells Michael that she and Uncle Sam went on the rebound and had a fantastic day. Michael is left confused as to how anyone could prefer Uncle Sam's loud demeanour and monstrous haircut over Michael's freakishly white teeth and perfectly-styled quiff.

    Megan and Jake wrap up their dinner date, and make some sex eyes at each other, before walking through the gates of hell.

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    Or, rather, paradise. However you see it.

    As they get ready to walk through those double doors, Jake lands a smooch on Megan, in a move which is nearly as smooth as Osher's shiny hair.

    Tomorrow night: Cyclone Flo hits paradise. And, no, that's not a weird reference to my period.

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    Sorry, sorry I'm trying to delete that sente-

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