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    Posted on 11 Jan 2018

    39 Things That Are Guaranteed To Happen During Every Australian Summer

    "Wow, it's so hot." Yes Sharon, thanks for the amazing insight, I'm aware.


    1. You buy a $12 Kmart fan as early as October to be prepared.

    2. Only for it to break at some point anyway. Probably during the hottest period of the year too.

    3. The rising temperature is irritating enough, but you also have to deal with annoying flies and mosquitos CONSTANTLY.

    4. And the birds and cicadas think it’s totally fine to chirp their hearts out at 5am, which is honestly inconsiderate.

    5. Though a lot of the time it’s perfectly normal to wake up at 5am drowning in your own sweat because it’s already over 25 degrees.

    6. You constantly smell like a mix of Aeroguard and sunscreen.

    7. You desperately contact any of your friends who have air-con or a swimming pool while pretending you’re not using them for these two things.

    8. Your fridge is stocked with Zooper Doopers, ice blocks, and frozen poppers.

    9. Everyone starts posting Instagram shots or stories of their car or phone showing the weather hitting over 40 degrees.

    10. Someone posts a Facebook status about how they’re “dying in this heat”.

    11. Everyone’s IRL conversation generally starts with talking about the weather.

    12. And any silences are injected with “fuck me, it’s so hot”.

    13. Finding a parking spot at the beach is an absolute shitshow.

    14. So you spend over 30 minutes driving aimlessly around, with the air-con in your car blasting, in a desperate attempt to get near the water.

    15. And every time you come back from the beach, you find sand in places you never thought it could get. 
(Like your sunglasses case that never left your beach bag for example, I have no idea what you were thinking about).

    16. Your hangovers get exponentially worse the hotter it gets, especially if you haven’t rehydrated properly.

    17. On extremely sweltering days, you’re so lethargic all you can really think of doing is sitting in front of a fan and napping.

    18. Public transport is an absolute sweaty nightmare.

    19. And more often than not, you find yourself pressed into someone else’s sweaty back during peak-hour commuting.

    20. Though tbh, someone is probably pressed up against your sweaty back too.

    21. There’s no such thing as sitting down on a pleather seat on a train or a bar stool at a pub and not leaving the moist imprint of your butt and thighs.

    22. Any time becomes acceptable to “crack a cold one”.

    23. Chances are the best way to escape the heat is by sitting in your air-conditioned workplace all day... except someone has turned the temperature down to Antarctic-like levels, so you go from a sweaty mess to freezing your tits off.

    24. Which honestly makes it really hard to dress for work.

    25. Like it’s 40 degrees outside, but in the office I’m wrapped in a blanket?

    26. There will always be a day where you think it’s fine to walk on concrete or sand without shoes on, and you will 100% burn the soles of your feet.

    27. But every year, you never learn.

    28. You're bound to get one really bad sunburn.

    29. You bloody idiot, don’t you know by now to slip, slop, slap?

    30. Eventually you’ll either be sporting a mad bikini tan, thong tan, or sock tan.

    31. You feel a deep, deep sympathy for all the cricket and tennis players forced to do sports in the extreme December and January heat.

    32. Because most of the time you’re sweating just walking out your front door, let alone doing anything more physical than that.

    33. If you leave chocolate in your car or bag, even for just 10 minutes, you’re absolutely screwed.

    34. And if you’re eating ice cream you have approximately 0.03 seconds to demolish it before it drips all over your hand.

    35. It will never cease to amaze you how it’ll go from scorching hot, to thunderstorms in the space of two hours.

    36. And how everyone’s social media activity depicts this exact change, as though you had no idea.

    37. Of course, you never have an umbrella when this happens either.

    38. But that’s normally fine, because within an hour the sun is out again and it’s a million fucken degrees.

    39. And just when you get to the point of endlessly complaining about summer, it starts to get cooler, and you want your hot, hot beach days back again.

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